20081019

SUN

DIRTY

Very rarely do I see Perfect films.

My taste in films is very slim and selective. This is largely because I have a very low “Bullshit” tolerance.

One film I saw yesterday, À MA SOEUR! (FAT GIRL),  is a movie that came “near” to Perfection…and Near to Perfection is pretty damned good. I removed “points” from the film because of its use of Music.

I have a very peculiar attitude towards Sound and Music (Scores), and am violently reactive when I hear Songs used to “support” or prop up a scene. Other than that, the film was perfect.

Which reminds me of one of my favorite quotes by Freddie Mercury (who is god awful unattractive in the traditional sense). He says, “Other than my overbite, I’m perfect.”

So it is with FAT GIRL, it is perfect, other than its use of Music. Its use of Sound however, was very Bressonian—a style which I love to death.

I thought about putting FAT GIRL on my “film shrine” (the links on my blog that lists all my favorite films).

But because it is Near Perfection and not quite there: I cannot allow myself to do it; to do that would ruin everything that I stand for (my “Raison d’etre”).

Afterward, Joseph and I watched all the Extras on the DVD; which included filmmaking processes and interviews with Catherine, the director.

FAT GIRL came out in 2001, about two years after I completed my film MYSTERY’S CHOIR. How wonderful and inspiring for me: if I would have seen FAT GIRL during my film school experiences (or even afterward).

But the timing is interesting, because I enjoy the fact that all my Ideas come from my Soul—so it would be difficult for anyone to say that my concepts come from “Influence” or copying of other people’s works.

Divine Intervention has looked down upon me.

In fact, She has always looked down upon me—but I failed to look back up at Her.

I discounted her because I felt She misled in life: I had struggled so long to tell the Truth in everything I do, and “”all I got” was alienation, being misunderstood, ignored and suffering.

So I turned my Back on Her (which was a Mistake).

As result of that, for the past 7 years of my life, I lived a pretty sad life.

“Sad” because I became (or tried to become) like “everybody else.” I tried to do what Normal people do.

I am not Normal, and I will never be.

So for the Third time in my life (which is this time), I am happy to not be Normal and in fact, Pray to God that I will NEVER be Normal.

Normality is Death—

Pure…Cold…Hard…Miserable…Uncompromising and Cruel Death.

After I left New York in 2007 and have lived thus far in Colorado, I’ve gone through a huge spiritual transformation: mainly “karma cleansing” and cleaning out all the Social Gutter in my mind and Soul.

Now, I am like a newborn or chick hatching from the Shell again.

I am now Riveting.

I am Alive.

Every cell in me is Singing.

I no longer can be destroyed or bullshitted by the games of Normality, of the cruelty or conduct of Mediocrity. I have no Fear. Now, I have become the Filmmaker I was: when I first conceived MYSTERY’S CHOIR.

Why I have had to go through that Difficult track, I don’t know. It is behind me now.

Why I had to feel like the World was Against me, I don’t know. I don’t care because I am Against the World now: it is beneath me.

I realize that I am more powerful than the stupidity of other people’s opinions. I see the Truth; they Don’t, so why should I try to be like them? Crawl to them? Serve them? Cajole and compromise with them? They are Lesser in every degree…they have no Worth.

And She, Divine Intervention has turned her Sweet Face to me, when I reunited with my “partner-in-crime”, Jack, through email.

Jack and I have not seen one another since we stopped communicating in 1998.

Since then, I had been in denial that I was Artistically Lonely and Miserable without our Friendship.

We were like Twins: our Aesthetic vision, although different, were extreme and hardcore. We were each other’s Bull-Shit Detector….we Shared our Transparencies. We were each other’s best Critics and the best Critics of the World.

So when I lost our Friendship, I also lost a very profound relationship to Art.

I started to believe that “Maybe it IS a Commodity: and I simply have gotten it wrong?”

I was getting “Grated” by society (normalized by influence of the Norm) like a Microplane—the sieve is so fine that you lose your entire sense of Self (Essence, and Raison d’etre) —without even realizing it.

I had to learn the hard way: that the things I truly believe in were Right, and the Society was the one that got it backwards. I had the highest view of enabling Humanity—but the Society does the opposite: it wants to Enslave you.

I didn’t get it wrong. I never had gotten it wrong. And I will NOT make the same mistake Twice! It is so Unlike me!

Because my Journal (diary) writing is also partly for my blog—I always find myself having to do a “summary” or recap (recapturing) of events in case someone drops into my life (online) and does not know what’s going on.

Here’s the Recap:

I took a shot in the dark one day and tracked down Jack’s contact info. I had no clue where he was in life…and having lived in NY half of my life—I know that there is no such thing as a “permanent” address or reliable phone number. It is a transient life that makes it very hard to keep connected with people.

Strange mysterious things happened. I don’t even know how to describe it because it sounds like a Twisted piece of fiction.

During the time I stopped speaking to Jack, I also had gotten fired from my entry-level job at an Advertising firm. Right at that time, my younger brother had moved to NY and was looking for work.

He ended up taking a job that was most bizarre: Jack had quit his job at a publishing house, and since my brother is a writer—he responded to an ad for an editorial assistant in the papers.

My brother ended up replacing Jack’s position, sitting on his chair, at his desk and working under Jack’s boss.

Now, of the millions of people in NY and hundreds of applications employers get faxed in a day—you know, this is super strange.

How did I track down Jack?

Ironically, through my brother!

I asked him to see if his boss had any contact info on Jack.

Think about this: my last thread with Jack was this job he once held; so in a strange way, Life was holding us together by a very fine thread—it was as if this was my last chance (test or trial).

All I get back was an email address.

Now, people change their emails more often than buying new underwear….so I knew it was a total shot in the dark.

So I emailed Jack an apology letter. I told him what he meant to me. I asked for his forgiveness.

My main worry was that the email account was Dead.

He replied to me and told me that the past 7 years of his life to was total hell. He had contracted HIV while living in Las Vegas and living a White Trash Lie—by being used and abused by his pseudo-rich Father and Stepmother.

They basically just let him die.

He said, “Although I was living in a million dollar house and driving a brand new BMW—I could not afford health insurance and am denied health care.”

Physically he deteriorated.

Finally, his Birth mother came to Las Vegas, rented a U-haul and took him to Maine, where she lives…in order to nurse him.

My gut reaction is this:

Our suffering in life is not brought onto ourselves as much as we would like to believe.

Our suffering is largely caused by the Sickness of Society.

I believe that on a Symbolic level: America kills Artists. That’s all I have to say on that.

There are No Artists in America. There are only Dealers and Whores. As result of that, any Artist who has a real pure vision—is bound to get sick: either psychology, spiritually or physically.

So I do not see Jack’s condition purely on the macrocosmic level; but also on the Symbolic level.

Enough of that.

More strange is this:

Jack told me that after we stopped talking, a very close high school friend of his moved to New York and found a job.

Guess what job she got? She replaced my entry-level position at the Ad Firm.

At first, it felt like all of this on the surface is just Freak Coincidence.

Now, I no longer believe in coincidences.

I believe that within life lies Reality—the real Reality…and everyone else is so blind and complacent, they cannot touch it.

This Reality—the realm of magic, miracles—is normal for me now.

True Reality does not have magic or miracles because it becomes the Raison d’etre.

Only people who live behind the Dark Veil of Reality perceive “miracles” as “special” or rare events.

But if you remove that veil: all of life becomes that Miraculous State–therefore there are no “miracles” (within the Ultimate Reality).

I no longer believe in Miracles: because I Expect them….I expect that reality.

What I ask for I get. That’s how my life has been…and in the past, as result of my Ignorance, I had asked for all the Wrong things; the things that were not right for me.

But Reality was always there…I just refused to walk into it.

Hence all these strange occurrences were sharp Synchronicities (Alignments) taking place in my life…and I turned my back on her; I turned myself against Grace.

Jack and are so connected that even if we do not talk to one another, we share similar thoughts and experiences.

He told me that the day he received my email: was the same day he decided to cook for his family a Recipe I had given him (many years ago).

One day, I was pondering the idea about making a Lesbian Pulp Fiction movie (with my own twist)…and he sends me a link of a ton of Lesbian Pulp Fiction novels.

Knowing my very astringent taste in movies, Jack knows what to recommend me.

He knows that I hate “sensory overload” of dates, history or information in general.

For this reason, I block out any information about filmmakers, films and I do not see many movies.

I like to be as pure as possible.

I make my mind so clean that when I see something good—I absorb it entirely. I also know that when a film aggravates me—that it hurts my integrity. So that is why I don’t watch a lot of films.

This attitude has made me feel lonely most of my life; because people always attacked me for being “not knowledgeable.”

They say ignorant, abusive and sheepish things like:

“How can you call yourself a Poet if you don’t know who such and such (the Great Poets) are?”

“How can you call yourself a Painter if you don’t know who the great painters are?”

“How can you call yourself a Filmmaker if you don’t watch movies, know who such and such Master is, and are not Influenced?”

To me, if you have to hear the Voice of Satan talk; that is what it sounds like.

That is how much those words damage my Integrity. They are Stupid, Disrespectful and Hurtful.

They are the true Voice of Ignorance, the “Cheese Grater” of the Norm that wants to Grind you to pieces simply because they are afraid of being confused and persecute things that don’t work like they do.

Essentially, what they say is this: “How can you know Yourself unless you Know Other people First?”

They got it all backwards. It is demonic to tell somebody they should not Seek Knowledge from their Inner Most Self; their Center or source of Truth.

I am highly offended when I get that treatment. This is because those are Corrupt views…they taint everything I stand for and my relationship and reverence for my inner wisdom (and vision).

Only Ignorant people say stupid shit like that.

Now, I don’t care any longer.

I realize that that type of Conformed thinking is what makes them Trapped to begin with.

They are miserable in their personal limitation and they want to drag me down too (to that lower level of consciousness or lack of Self Knowledge).

They don’t want to believe that someone is capable of being their own Teacher or Master.

Well, here is the news: I am my own Master. In fact, I am the Master of my own work. No one else owns that, no one else takes credit for that, and no one ever will.

How could I give my Vision to someone else who is Famous, Academic or Cock Worshiped?

Give me a break.

No, don’t give me a break…just get out of my face. I no longer want to talk to Unworthy people.

Hence, it was Jack who emailed me all the films he knew I would like.

He said, “I always thought that if You and I were to make a film, it would be like the movie FAT GIRL? Have you seen it?”

I wrote, “No.”

He sent me a list of about 5 more films…all very eclectic. He knows I have leanings (if not a fetish) for European films (mainly French).

This choice is not my choice; I just align very well with French films—in terms of my values and aesthetic needs (or hunger more like).

Seeing FAT GIRL was such a magical experience to me; because I love good filmmaking that does not manipulate or bullshit you (or your Intelligence).

How deeply simple, pure and profound that film is….And watching it was like eating a good meal and not leaving one morsel to waste.

Joseph was kind and considerate enough to rent it from Netflix so we could watch it together.

So we watched it together yesterday at his House. And oh my God, it is so nice to watch intelligent films with intelligent people.

And by this, I do not mean Intellectual Snobbery; let us not confuse Intellectualism with Intelligence.

Intelligence is Sensitivity. Intellectualism is all about Ego.

When I saw the interviews with Catherine (the director) I was FLOORED.

Everything she said resonated with me. She made me feel Alive once more.

I have often said that in America I am not “Normal” and for that, I feel that there is a grave Artistic “language barrier”—which leaches and leaks my Divine Energy (Vital Life force).

But in Europe and Elsewhere—because they do not have a Capitalistic and Naive Value Systems (about Sex, Truth, Taboos, Death and so on; in short all the important and valuable themes in life!)—I would be considered, according to their views: Normal!

Hence, Catherine’s views on Filmmaking completely hammered the last Nail on the Coffin on my conviction that I must move to Europe in order to make the movies I need to make.

By this, I do not mean that Europe has the answer. What I mean is that I don’t have to waste my Energy on stupid Artistic language barriers that degrade  my being; I can “get to work” instead of wasting time on nonsense.

Making Art Films in America is like trying to cook a meal but no one understands what the ingredients are. Why should I waste my time describing the taste of an herb or a spice—when you can just prepare and enjoy it?

There is no vocabulary here for Art; just machinists (technicians), sheep, and academics.

I blame this on Religion of course; because the Cock Worship (sheepishness) and Bondage appeal to Authority (and Corruption thereof) is a subconscious (backwards) Historical pattern of the American psyche, since the time of its inception.

It is so obvious to me that American filmmakers will never make anything pure. This is because they are into Showmanship and are brainwashed by the Religion of Hollywood and Capitalism. Everything they do consists of Whoredom and Compromises…

It is disgusting to me that they can call themselves Independent or Artists…when the Truth is—they are just happy to say, “Well, I didn’t let the Industry take my Virginity as an Artist—I just sucked their Cock or took it from behind.”

So these compromises that artists make in the (United) States are Impossible to avoid.

Therefore, I won’t even subject myself to the Ignorance of walking into an impossible uphill battle of defending all my Choices and vision with regards to Art. That’s like not being Deaf, yet having to learn Sign Language to order a Pizza. It makes no sense.

Why in the world should I have to Defend Art in order to Make it? Shouldn’t people have a Sense of what those values are?

Today, the American Industry is not worthy of my Vision…Whereas in all my life, all this Industry has done is made my views unworthy.

Now the tables are turned and I realize I don’t have to accept Dysfunction anymore.

I want to transcend the “Language Barrier” and go to Europe and be in my Element…be in a place where I don’t have to Explain and degrade my integrity.

So much Energy is lost in Argument; so much Energetic Drainage. I need to Reserve every bit of my Energy for making a Film come True: and NOT in negotiating whether even a script or synopsis “makes sense,” is “popular with the people” and so forth. It’s so corrupt and dirty!

So dirty that by the time you get that damn thing done: you have some stupid celebrity in your piece in order for the product to get pushed, and tons of product placement to demonstrate further what a whore you are.

Then to walk the Death of a Red Carpet to show millions of people what a Fool you are when you use a Trophy to defend your self-hatred, moronic self-delusion and moral incapacity.

One of the most important things Catherine said in her interview is:

“I like to make films that are Impossible to make, because if I were not doing that, I would be making Movies, and I don’t make movies.”

That comment totally realigned me.

It confirmed everything I’ve ever adhered to.

It made me Realize that there are no compromises either in Art or in Life.

Anyone who tells you that is living a Lie.

The truth about Art is that is an Attitude that reflects Life. In life, you don’t make Compromises—instead, you make Sacrifices.

If you make an Unfair or Dishonest Sacrifice: then you are making a Compromise.

A Sacrifice is a Gift—a Pure Gift, of giving something up—in order to save it.

But if you give something up to not save it, but rather, to discredit it—you are either ashamed or live in shame.

Shame, I have discovered is the one of the most dangerous emotions a person can feel, and is severely damaging to one’s integrity.

With Shame, only come Lies…and more lies…and then Persecution, Denial, Destruction and Cruelty.

Most artists in America shame their work. They say that their commercial success or the concept of wanting to do “what they love” justifies it.

But if you are getting paid to do what you love, there is shame in it. It is no longer love.

Love involves complete sacrifice of any gain whatsoever. When you love something, you do everything in the world to save it. This is because you know that if you don’t do this: you have nothing left.

C’est Tout.