20090106

TUES

FAILURE

Lately, I’ve been obsessed with Gunas. Mainly, because I’ve come to understand (or realize) their realities and energetic movements in my being.

For the past few years I’ve been in Colorado, I went through a healing crisis and began to work on my Kundalini Rising.

I’ve been on a pretty intense spiritual journey since and developed a state of being completely Sattvic.

But now that I’ve discovered (or returned to) my true Essence again, I am ready to re-integrate into the world (society).

As result of this, I’ve been feeling pretty Rajasic, which explains all the intense video editing and other creative work I’ve been doing.

The problem now is Tamas.

For those who don’t understand these terminologies, according to Hindu science (I call it a science because it’s practical) there are three aspects, or “states,” to one’s being.

I consider these states “emotional bodies”; but I am sure others see it differently.

The three states often depict a general disposition or attitude of an individual:

Tamas: is dark “lazy” energy…lower energy.
Raja: is a higher energy, based on Passion largely.
Sattva: is the highest state of equanimity; often associated with “laid back-ness”, peaceful energy.

We have all these general qualities in us; but our state of mind or personality often latches onto one particular mode and is ruled by it; largely as result of Habit, but also because of Karma (past life patterns; or patterns).

Earlier this year, I was trying to identify my energetic attitudes based on the Yin/Yang principle, which is Recessive or Active. I knew that when I burned too much Yang, I had to create more Yin (fuel through rest and restorative energy).

During almost two decades of NY living, I burned out all my Yin; that was when I had a “melt down” and had to leave.

Also of note is that I am a Yang personality (and Vata; fire/wind/air) and do not respond well to warm seasons. So Fall through Spring season yields tremendous growth and activity in me; and by summertime, I fall into Depression. I start to Hibernate.

I noticed that I tend to Aestivate in the summer (which means, I hibernate during warm seasons). It is an energetic level that is very dark for me; and is ironic (because I hate the Sunlight; which is supposed to feel “bright”).

I discovered today that the Gunas paradigm makes complete sense to me:

I am Tamasic in the Summer and Rajasic in the Fall and Winter.

To override or balance all this out, I resorted to loads of “Yin” (resting) activities in order to be Sattvic (at peace).

Without getting further into Theories, I’d like to discuss my experiences:

I noticed that as an Artist, one of the reasons I find it almost impossible to work in any Industry is because it’s too Tamasic; it’s very lower-level state of consciousness, very ego-based and in that regard—lends to an attitude of fear, greed and selfishness (egotism). It’s a very Evil state that’s hard for me to endure for long before it drives me crazy.

Creativity is an absolutely Rajasic state and if you are flowing in it; it produces Sattva—a state of Enlightenment.

I noticed that the work I am doing now (the Fake Whore project) requires me to do immense “karma cleansing” (sifting through the past, and past life patterns).

Note: when I say “past life”—I also am referring to “yesterday,” a year or two ago…or even five minutes ago; because Time doesn’t really exist…everything we do is immediately fallen to the past.

Often my creative work forces me to “Cleanse Karma”; an idea I hadn’t found the words for earlier in life.

But looking at everything that I’ve ever done: I’m always trying to “work out” something—to extract some life out of darkness, to press the oil out of a living concept…to undergo a form of Transformation and Alchemy in a way.

Intuitively, I have always been an Alchemist; I just didn’t understand it intellectual or fully realized it.

Further, it would be far too distracting to always Observe yourself in a way that is outside of the moment. So that’s why it’s good that I didn’t realize what the fuck I was doing: but was simply DOING it.

I found myself going through A LOT Of old masters of the fetish films I used to shoot.

While doing so, I experienced incredible strokes of Genius and states of Wonder—but I also had to look at my “past life” very directly.

Not everything about that business was Rajasic or “exciting.” Beneath it, the mechanics of it was very Tamasic: very cruel and evil.

The Tamasic aspect of that business was the “Industry” side.

The industry of SM dungeons, Porn distributors, Crooks, Thieves and people ready to stomp you out or take everything you have. A world filled with Deception, Distrust, Greed and Manipulation:

In short, it is like all other Industries in the world.

Business is Cutthroat—no matter what industry you’re in.

But the Industry of Rajas—the one that is focused on Passion is the most dangerous…and all Advertisers know this:

That’s why they always put naked hard bodies next to the brand name of a Soda, a Car, or even something as ludicrous as a Computer or MP3 player.

Industries made of Rajas—easily become Tamasic in a flash. It is regressive form of Alchemy that is highly evil and destructive; hence, Hollywood.

But don’t get me wrong, Industries based on Sattva or the “Healing Arts” (self help talk shows, emotional exploitation, commercial yoga), even if seemingly “innocent” are ten times more Tamasic.

Unforgivable. I’d much rather do Porn than work for Oprah.

You can see the power of Rajas working itself out in all forms in life. In theory, We, as individuals are always performing Alchemy, whether we realize it or not:

When we are Depressed, that is a Tamasic state.

When we are Inspired, that is a Rajasic state—that can be fueled by Greed and Salivation of worth (ego); hence Tamasic, or by Altruism and Love; Sattvic.

When we are Pure, when we want nothing and to do nothing and to go with the flow; when we are High like that, that is all Sattva.

The reason I say we are always performing Alchemy is because we are always “cooking” like chemists in our minds.

We cook with our emotional attitudes, and with our unconscious.

We create with some means of awareness—but most of it is controlled by the Gunas (or disposition, or whatever adjective we wish to apply to them; it’s all the same).

So in my karma cleansing process; my process of having to re-enter (all the ugliness of what I’ve been through as a fetish filmmaker)—I had to learn VERY QUICKLY how to alchemically move through the Tamasic aspects—to extract the Essence (or the “Gold” and meaning) of my experiences.

It is a very painful experience that causes a part of me to want to just throw everything in the garbage. Fortunately, I did not.

What I’ve managed to pull out of all my experiences is strong element of “Art” within the Films themselves. Their messages were so rich and so profound.

The films have Rajas in them—but are very Pure in so many ways. There are moments in the films that are like Gold; and are worth saving.

What I would like to do is to Save and Honor these traits, and re-introduce them in a Rajasic way—but to also help people move through the content, and come out more Conscious; rather than “addicted” or find themselves in a salacious Tamasic mode.

For my porn clients, they get the whole shebang: they get the alchemy on the Unconscious level, they feel “liberated” after they see (experience) what has happened. But the end result is they crave more; and that is Tamasic energy. It is an energy that Limits me as well.

With the realm of Art, in the context of Art, I intend to remaster and redistribute this content: I am more interested in using Rajasic energy to lead people to a state of Heighten consciousness—if not, a state of Grace.

In the case of Pornography: I must address the theme of Integration and use Art as a mirror of society itself.

But Rajas is very important to me. Whoever describes sexual energy, passion or desire as “bad” has not fully come to realization of it’s true potential.

From the Alchemical perspective, Rajas is essential in order to convert potential energy into Meaning and Substance.

What has happened in our world is that Rajas has been (traditionally and methodically) used to enslave and lower the minds to numb people; to make them pathetic slaves to an industry.

They achieve this quite simply: by lowering your Rajas to a state of Tamas (whether through chemicals in food or anything pertaining to intake through the five senses, or through psychological influence).

Sooner or later, people will either get ill (self-destruct) or go mad (kill others). The only way to get out of Tamas: is to desire Consciousness (wholeness and healing).

The purpose of Art, and the role that an Artist plays with regards to using Rajas is very unique in that the goal of Art has always been about taking people into the Darkness (or Gutter) of the unconscious…but to also Transform the Observer—and to lead them back out…so that they can Reflect and See (Transcend) the experience.

Art is supposed to a go-between that which is Obscure and that which can be Realized. It is a carrier; a chariot of sorts.

Many Artists today do not understand this role life, and instead become Tamasic in every way.

Many Artists believe that Industry Practice is the “only way.” They call this “commercial success”—but it is actually Failure.

There are too many Artists/ Filmmakers as of late who have died and gone to their graves knowing fully that they were schmucks.

Although the Hollywood (or Entertainment) industry wants to make them “Masters” or Icons—they are only doing this for their own Ego and Survival.

The truth is that all these so-called “Greats” were not Masters. They were losers.

They were losers because they had every capacity and every position of power to create Art: but they did not.

Instead, they felt they had to do everything the Industry required of them so that they can secure their post as a Respectable, Reputable “Master” in the industry.

But what were they a Master of? Of Hell…of Tamas.

If you understand this concept as an Artist—you will realize that this Life is not worth living if everything you make is only to benefit the enslavement of conscious capacities.

To pull people into Darkness and leave them there is a crime in my book. Yet that is all Media does; and that is why I refuse to make media.

They give you a shocking story: and leave you hanging there–to feel so disturbed that your Tamasic tendency is to keep getting “fed” more in order to seek a release or resolve.

But they will never give it you–never liberate or relive or heal you, and that is why it is a crime.

They want you enslaved to the Darkness and then take you out of it by throwing you into a carnival far more depraved than pornography: G-rated films and Disneyland (Infantilism, Regression and Escapism; all Fear-based, all Tamasic).

Despite all the gazillion shorts, features and videos amassed daily in this life: rarely, can any of it be called Art.

In my spiritual process, I am visiting the Dead daily. I see that am living among the Dead—and I do not want to see these fuckers when I die.

When I die, I do not want to see any Film Buffs or Hollywood “Masters of Cinema” because that means I would have found myself not in Heaven—but in Hell.

If you can see the Dead while you are Living, surely, you would want to correct everything in order to assure that when your Body passes this life, you won’t still be with these people (entities).

There are only about two geniuses that I observe to be living today, two whom I consider to be Artists; but I will not name them.

I am simply happy to be Alive to share the same space in time with them—and when I die, I would like to dissolve into them.

I am so deeply Ashamed for others, so ashamed I cannot even describe it.

Since they are not ashamed by what they do, I feel the shame for them.

Failures. All of them.