20080802

FRI.

1 a.m.

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I am extremely tired and I hate feeling this way when I write. My mind is more alive than my body and it’s one of those times where I feel cheated—for being a Human Being.

There are vast deep subjects that I’d like to discuss if I only had the energetic capacity to do so; but I have to be resourceful—otherwise this entry will just turn into a rant, and I would end up deleting it.

Where do I start?

I’d like to write about my mother’s karma, my painting, editing etc… I promised that I won’t blog about Gabriel any longer because people just don’t understand him; and this would just exploit him.

So I’ve decided to keep my deeper mystical experiences reserved for my personal diaries.

I wrote to Nare a few days ago and told her if she likes any of my paintings she can have them. I have no attachment to the material nature of artwork and enjoy giving them away to people who can appreciate them.

I am giving her the sketch I made of Gabriel.

Although I felt a very deep connection to him when I drew it; I realize that giving someone a painting of Gabriel—doesn’t necessarily mean that he is leaving me. It’s quite the opposite really.

Of course, nobody ever wants my abstract shit. But that’s okay. If I get back to drawing more, I will probably destroy all my artwork all over again one day…I am totally opposed to the idea of the permanence and preservation of Art.

I believe that humans escalate higher through the Unknown and through Sacrifice: and anything that you make becomes Known (Understood) and Art that is experienced—dies on the spot.

Therefore it is the gift of the Human Spirit transcend the unknown; to always seek the meaning which is lost yet breathing beneath the veil of the world.

That’s why everything that is known: literally dies and loses its value. So why not re-live Art–by not trying to mummify it?

People who love History, love Cemeteries–that is how they mirror their own Self.

But eventually, their souls will realize that History means nothing…they are just the Story of Man and that you have to Live…not find your meaning in the Dead.

These are my theories; I don’t mean to offend. History is fascinating–but that is as far as it goes. I find things that don’t last much more beautiful.

There will always be new Mozarts; Geniuses do not own God…like Saints, they are Recreated.

My sister emailed me a few days ago lamenting about my parents’ (and family’s) Karma.

My poor Asian mother has the unfortunate (”mother” of all) karmas feared by all Asian families: which is that she gave birth to Four children: all of whom are Artistic, and three out of four (including me) are Unemployed—usually by condition, but mostly by Choice.

My mother will never have the Bragging rights that other Vietnamese families have.

Asian cultures are like the Jewish culture: Artists are endlessly devalued and shamed—largely because of monetary reasons…. Unless you get rich making art. But once you get rich making art: you aren’t necessarily an artist: you are making money to please everyone else.

I don’t believe that Art that is worthy is anything anyone would want to brag about.

They only brag about it once everyone accepts it. Once everyone accepts; you have appealed to the Lowest Common Denominator.

In most cases, this is true; but not always. Some Artists escape this trap—but very few.

I emailed her back and told her that my parents’ karma is actually a blessing.

We (society) are too Ignorant to realize it.

When all your children are artists, broke and what not, and also have no children nor produce any grandchildren: your entire family’s karma is actually very Evolved.

It means that you have arrived at a spiritual place or level of independence—of living outside the norm…and when this happens, you also have less Bondage; the bondage known as Tradition and Ancestry.

From a spiritual point of view: my entire family is probably going to be Liberated—that is to say, the cycle of Reincarnation is coming to a close.

This is my goal, my anticipation, and it is something I sense within.

I believe that people are too stupid and bound to the earth to realize that whatever social or financial pains (dissemination and renunciation) we go through karmically (sic) only points to evolution in the Truer sense (rather than the monkey to man–biological sense).

Man stands upright for instance, yet is less evolved than the consciousness of a Plant or Tree; who know only the presence of Being and of God.

Man Kills and turns the Environment to only his advantage (greed, ego) and against his fellow beings.

Man does not know how to Love when he wants only Love. Man hates himself…and plants and trees would never do that….

Further, plants and trees are much older than we are. They are our true Ancestors, they are Wiser…and they will outlast your consciousness–because once you cut them all down: you die…but they don’t.

Their consciousness is made of God and can not be killed.

So this evolution of the human spirit which involves struggling, accepting and redeeming a sense of Self gets put through the karmic grinder–and you come out more alone, more independent and stronger each time…stronger to leave life–to not be so attached to the stupidity and illusions of this world.

I’ve arrived to a point in my life where I am no longer afraid. I am “afraid” (skeptical) of living…but not of dying.

I am afraid of living in the sense that Earth, and the quality of life and devolutionary process we are experiencing today is a boiling Hell. We are in a type of hell—and it does scare me to live.

As result of this, I understand my place and purpose in life and why I need to work out my shit—Here and Now.

But I’ve overcome spiritual fears—not necessarily society ones; I find society extremely Dangerous (largely because humans are largely Unconscious, Robotic and do not know themselves).

People are operating as though they are a Ticking time bomb. There are very few whom you can trust—because very few neither know nor rely upon themselves.

For me, Health is of paramount concern. When I say this, I do not mean “eating healthy” or maintaining some kind of strict organic faddist or fear-based diet.

I am referring to Spiritual Healing combined with Physical Wellness; Energetic Issues and Stamina.

I realize that because the world is so sick: I have to be healthy as a healer in order to do my work in life. One day the body will Give Up—and I will not be able to do my work.

I refuse to let Society make me sick—as it has done in the past.

I realize now how valuable the Body is—and it is a machine that must be utilized to do as much as you can—to fulfill your life’s purpose, while it’s still chugging along.

For this reason, I realize that if I do not heal—the world will not heal.

This is true for myself as it is for anyone else.

But I have made health my prerogative, not because I am afraid (of death, disease or wish to live forever) rather, because I am born a mystic and a healer…and you cannot help anyone if you yourself are sick.

I believe that every healer has to go through a period of sickness—of society dismantling and destroying them to some degree.

That is how most healers learn how to heal themselves and others: they have to feel the pain and comprehension of suffering in life through experience—in order to gain the compassion and knowledge of how to heal.

Truly, I have been sick for most of my life. I was pure between my birth and 9 years old. From that point on—society literally destroyed me.

Art, Poetry and Filmmaking saved my life between the ages of 15 to 27. But I started to die somewhat—my integrity went to shit up through my mid-thirties.

It is only now that I’ve woken up to realize—that I must return to my Child (or Soul) state—and something that precious—is not worth losing.

Without your Essence, you are nobody and are worth literally: Nothing—even if you think you’re a hot shot or “somebody” (from the societal point of view).

I realized that the Integration into society was such a huge mistake for me; how I bought into the “game plan” of leading an acceptable social life. It was so unlike me to fall for that shit…so how did it happen?

I was resistant to the brainwash until I finally got tired (physically and mentally).

I thought that to be normal (less struggles) I should have long-term relationships, own property, so on and so forth.

Granted, I WAS truly in love and would still give my soul and life over to anyone I feel destined to be with. I’ve always loved purely, although not necessarily wisely.

It was not like I was going through “the motion” of some mindless socialization.

I really did believe that I could conquer both worlds–but that is not my destiny. I was meant to be live a spiritually-bound life: to sacrifice all the ordinary things for something much bigger.

But I found myself deteriorating and my quality of life—spiritually: was obliterated.

Somehow Grace has followed me…and I still always had this magical connection to the Other side; but I became a very bad Channel for it.

To cut to the point:

I basically did a “360.”

Everything I’ve ever wanted in life, I already had when I was a child. I had God—and that was all that mattered.

In this regard I had the evolution of the Tree and Plant state–and totally got shaved down…and then finally chopped down.

In life, people teach you to go against your God. That is a Sad and True Fact.

They want you under their dark and wicked spell—so that you can comfort them. There could be no greater Death in life—than Living—in that regard…in putting up with what is called the “Standards” of living.

Now, I’ve found my way back “Home” so to speak—to the world I lived with within and without—wherein I touched the Reality of Grace day-to-day…and I had many “Friends” (Angels, Guides, God)…so to speak.

I am home now…and I am not leaving any time soon. That is why I am not afraid of Death—because I know that when I die—I will go to a place—very similarly to the home I feel inside.

I’ve renounced the idea of “Wealth and Poverty.”

There was a point in my life where my Spirit Seized up…. and I stopped taking chances. I became a stranger to myself—and lived in constant fears of things media has infused into my bloodstream.

How that happened—it’s a long story.

But now I realize that since I have nothing worth Living for—I have something worth dying for.

That is to say, that Life to me is not worth living in the least. I have no reason to live.

I already know that before I was born—I was an inch a way from finishing my karma—but I got sent back (to earth): because I was unworthy of life.

To finish your karma—you have to become worthy of life: you have to prove your usefulness to the most extreme degrees…you must become a Saint, so to speak.

Since life is not worth living to me: it is worth dying for. I am willing to die for whatever is my cause…I don’t care how difficult the path is…it has to be done.

In this regard, I have renounced the idea of Wealth and Poverty because I do not believe that the goal of life is to attain a big cushion with which to plot your arrogant pathetic ass on.

Do you think that the Heavens really care how big your car or house is? When you die—you become a bag of Shit, just as you are now. The only difference is it’s covered with nice designer clothing and make up.

I am not afraid of Poverty any longer—and that is why I’m not afraid to take chances…the chances I used to take in my youth. I had lost that—and now it’s back again.

I feel that if God meant for me to die in starvation for my art—then I am willing to do it. Yet, I am not stupid enough to be some kind of martyr and self-pitying. I work for my bread if I have to…but I will not sell my body or soul for it.

Where does my faith come from? It comes from my Friends; not the physical ones… but the ones on the Other side. The Saints and Angels are backing me up…whether or not they are physical or visible (to others)…

There is a whole world waiting for me to come Home.