20080704

Friday

SEA JOURNEY

(excerpts)

I slept for 15 hours so my body is in a funk. It feels like I just came out of a coma.

It makes perfect sense of course—to go from not sleeping to over-sleeping. My entire Being is based on Irregularity.

I am sure that like an Abstract painting—if my irregular lifestyle is scientifically logged, somewhere, some way it will reveal an actual Pattern.

Therefore, I am not sure what “regularity” is—because even the random order of the universe has a pattern; it just takes a longer stretch to make sense of it.

[…]

I’ve learned to live economically and on very little means. Living with my parents help of course—especially my mother, who would never ask for payments of any kind from me. She does all the cooking—and is glad to; and this offers great relief for me.

As result of this, I feel that my spiritual path is being supported by Life (the Universe, God or whatever). With too many hardships—I don’t believe that I could cultivate my spiritual life and heal myself.

Nevertheless, Life is not without its battles and constant changes. The entire goal of life it seems—requires “preventive care”—which is to keep as much of your life in order as possible; in order to energetically manage difficulties and changes.

Subconsciously, I live my days worrying about the future. Not the future in terms of five or ten years from now. Rather, I worry about what it’s going to be like when I “get out into the world” again.

I realize that this point in my life is a Rehearsal or Incubation period to prepare myself to go back into the world; to work, live independently, support myself and pursue filmmaking actively again.

During this incubation period—I realize that each day, I am planning for my trip to Europe. Unless things drastically change in my life—I plan on moving to Europe to enter a professional level program (Grad school) to focus on screenwriting or directing.

My main concern is Finances and that is why I worry.

I don’t know how I’m going to survive in an environment without a Work Visa—in addition to the weak American dollar.

It so happens that I plan to move to the most expensive cities in Europe: either London or Amsterdam.

So whatever money I have will have to double (or lose half its value) if I move to either of these places.

They are also NOT cheap places to live; it’s like moving back to New York City and losing half the value of your money while doing so.

So these are stressful challenges for me; it’s only the financial aspect that worries me.

Adapting to new environments and new culture excites me and does not scare me.

[…]

I’m planning for this journey the way a person plans to live out at Sea.

I have to plan now—because it would make the trip easier to manage: and to guarantee its Success.

I got the idea of the Sea-Journey from a documentary about an entire family that lived out at sea for many years.

When they were asked if it’s difficult for an ordinary person to live out at sea—they said that it’s very possible: it’s just that you have to Plan.

You have to plan a year ahead or make a date—and then plan for that date.

Subconsciously, I have a very loose “date” in mind: which is somewhere some time in 2009.

Right now, I have two documentary projects to get out of the way (SPLICE and MY VIET LAO). Otherwise I cannot leave; leaving them unfinished is like a self-punishing crime.

I realize each year passes by very quickly—so that is why each day, I observe my lifestyle—to see how I live, how economically I can manage and get all my survival needs done.

I think about my clothing, how many I have, what I would need and how I can travel lightly.

I think about all my video equipment—and wonder if I need to bring them; if I would work as an Editor or require all these peripherals, devices and even production equipment if I move overseas.

I think about whether I should complicate my life with expensive video equipment—or if I just bring a laptop and portable printer and just Focus entirely on Screenwriting and Directing.

I think about how I am willing to live in bad neighborhoods—and how that will affect my lifestyle—in terms of bringing expensive stuff with me: if I get burglarized; which I probably would in that scenario: I would lose everything; or my practical assets.

So all these issues subconsciously float in the back of my mind because I realize that I’m starting to “plan” for the unknown; to cover my ass as much as I can—without being too paranoid and worried.

I am actually more excited and energized by it than worried.

I started my life in New York this way when I turned 20 years old—so I am prepared to go through it again: this time more intelligently, wisely and carefully.

I’d want to set out on my journey with the same Openness and Courage that I had back then.

I don’t think I ever lost that brazenness —but somewhere along the way, I had hit the “Mute” button—and lost myself.

For this reason, after 17 years of New York living—I’ve returned to Denver to heal—recollect and remember myself; my path, why I was born, where I came from—and why I wanted to leave Colorado in my youth to begin with.

I’m wiser now and have a great deal of experience.

Like preparing for a Battle, I’m going into it this second round with greater artillery in the form of Knowledge.

My love for learning about people has increased over the years. It is something that is creatively built-into me, in terms of my natural leanings towards Documentary filmmaking.

One of my survival “Artilleries” is that I’m a Chef. All I need is my Knife Kit really—if I need to cook for myself with little means and still remain healthy–or to find work in a kitchen.

I’m subconsciously training myself to live like a peasant: to see how many dishes I can make out of one grain, and how to economically survive on very basic food ingredients yet transform them into very tasty and varied dishes.

My goal is to Travel light—yet that is impossible: since one suitcase alone must have all my kitchen and computer needs. I don’t want to have to hunt for new spices (which can get expensive), high quality teas and so forth. I also don’t want to buy computer or expensive video devices and equipment and peripherals on the Pound or Euro.

I should be able to cook and feed myself without buying kitchenware. I should also be able to take on any Editing projects without buying additional hardware.

I don’t want to bring a lot of clothing but just enough to handle seasonal changes. I also do not want to end up buying linens and things to fill up a whole house.

I’ve already unloaded 90% of the things I owned in life—and I do not plan on re-accumulate what I’ve discarded.

It is ethically wrong for me to start a journey by picking up more garbage and trivial nonsense…It would mean that what I renounced previously has been in vain; or that I have not learned.

I think that what I truly want to find is a Nomadic existence that strikes a nice balance between simple means—while maximizing functionality in the world.

For this reason, I like expensive high quality things—because they last.

My Knife Kit alone, with my sharpening stone, should last me a lifetime…and my entire computer and video/sound equipment (down to the videotape) is top of the line.

So even if you’re poor, as long as you save up and invest in good things that don’t break—you solve a lot of the problems with regards to accumulation and waste.

I see myself as a person preparing for Sea:. It is the only concrete way in that I can realistically see into or even “touch” the future.

I am not going into it fantasizing about how great or bad it will be. I have no expectation: yet a very definitive and opened plan.

I’m strangely Pragmatic about it—which is odd; because I don’t consider myself very practical and neither do my friends. Yet I can be extremely Sensible when it comes to survival.

I know that I can sleep on a bed sheet, my meditation pillow and blanket. I don’t need to buy linens and more household stuff for comfort living. I don’t want to carry it and I don’t to own it.

I’ve lived my life in comfort as well as poverty. I’ve had everything. All I want now is to live with what I need and within my means.

I do hope that with this training—even if I ever become well off, that I never return to Extravagance—and always remember who I am; what my values and what my standard of living means.

I hope to God that even if I become integrated into the entertainment industrial scene—that I would never position myself to get sucked into throwing ridiculously expensive parties and clothing that is enough to feed an entire developing country.

I feel that people who are that rich should stop showing off how much they spend on an engagement ring for some whore they knew for only a week, or the price of a gown worth someone’s mortgage—yet worn only for one night. People should be ashamed of that; and they should hide it from the press rather than bragging about it…it’s embarrassing, arrogant, irresponsible (in terms of values they address to humanity; especially the youth) and is a cheap high.

The true meaning of Wealth is based on Quality—not quantity and never based on Surface impressions anyway.

My life is moving in this direction of minimizing and Economizing in order to Maximize effectiveness.

I’m learning how to build a Bridge—a Trajectory with my energy so that I can use it for something big. This, I had taught myself—through meditating.

This energy-saving and preparation process is analogous to a Polar bear hibernating (which is not in a sleeping state but a waking type of Lethargy; or a restoration/ conservation of energy).

There are miraculous things that the polar bear’s body produces to sustain or restore it while hibernating. It can actually feed all its cubs during hibernation—on its milk and fat alone.

Without this natural capacity to Prepare and Economize (while Maximizing) energy—it cannot survive.

[…]

Why Europe?

People go to the West to get rich. They come to America to “make it”—to go to New York or Hollywood.

I want to go East because that’s where Humanity is…that’s where Art is: that’s where the Roots of the world are…where the Soul of invention was born.

To make the films that I want to make—I want to be in an environment that speaks the same “language”—the language of Creative Freedom, of thinking Aesthetically and of Art.

America is too Capitalistic to speak that language.

It knows only Sales talk and programmed-thinking. The creative people here are brainwashed to speak along the dialects of Money and an inexhaustible thirst for Glory in the name of Status and Fame.

Yet the wealthiest and richest people in America are also the most miserable and have no core, no values. They teach you only addiction, wastes and ways to destroy the Mind and Body—through poor self-image, fake tans, fake teeth, fake wives, fake marriages, fake concern for the world, fake love and fake tits and ass.

They do it unconsciously and habitually.

As result they also influence the minds of young artists or the youth in general.

Filmmakers in America are creatively and imaginatively dried up. They don’t even know that when they express their ideas: they are doing it out of a dialect of TV, Media and the cesspool of Hollywood trivia.

They don’t know who they are…they just regurgitate the stuff that’s been fed to them. All their cleverness or strive for uniqueness is based on a quest to race to the Red Carpet—to claim their Fame; to say they “did it first”—when really, they are just lazy copycats, imitators of media and thousands of movie trivia they dumped into their brains.

In short, there are only Film Buffs here. And buffing films is the Death of Cinema.

Just as explorers like to go to Alaska or Islands in the world that are Untouched: to experience Purity; to get energized by the powerful Sources and contact with an Origin—I feel that way about Europe with regards to filmmaking.

The Hollywood “Religion” has already infected much of filmmaking and film history all over the world.

I feel that in Europe—despite not being completely free from Industrial and Capitalistic influences—it still retains unique Sensibilities towards Art; at least as a Cultural Value.

You might have to dig to find this sensibility in Europe—but not as hard as you have to in America.

Art, with regards to film, is a “given,” an acceptable language in Europe.

No one wants to talk about it in America. People here want to talk about famous people and what they read from the Oprah Winfrey’s bestseller list (as though she is God and manifests the literary world with a wand) or episodes on cable or TV.

They base all their self-confidence on ratings and reviews…otherwise they don’t dare speak against a film if someone said it’s Good. And that’s the problem with the “Religion” of filmmaking in America: it’s a brainwashed concept of “values” and aesthetics.

For a long time in my life, I felt disembodied in America—with regards to filmmaking.

I’ve been arguing with Teachers since that age of 17 in terms of how I want to make or perceive films.

I did not get any easier when I went to film school; and throughout my life, I had to fight and defend Art.

So it seems that like a fish out of water—I’ve become like a lungfish and learned how to crawl on land.

But the truth is that I don’t want to fight any longer…I need to go “Home”—I need to return to where Art began…and I need to do it in order to not only heal myself—but also America or the world.

It wasn’t until I finally visited and toured AFI (American Film Institute) last Fall that I realized that Hollywood is a Religion; one that spreads itself all over the world; through a Business and Corporate paradigm.

America runs on Capitalism—so its concept of “Art” must do so as well; everything is controlled by Money—even the not-for-profits that are supposed to fund the arts and freedom of speech. Such organizations are forced to starve until they acquiesce with a capitalist society’s values on what “is art” or “not art.”

That’s why it Art in America is creatively dried up…there is no true art—and there may never be unless things drastically change: until society wakes up. I hope to God that all other countries take note of America as a history lesson on how Capitalism destroys Art and Culture.

The Red Carpet is a march towards Hell…and the Altar (called Academy Awards) is an illusion of Glory.

Celebrities walk up there and give up their Souls in sacrifice.

They believe that when they cement their hands on the boulevard they have become Gods. But no Gods have ever been stepped on by so many people with spit, fecal matter, whores and homeless people.

Hollywood is not heaven: it is hell. It does not serve society but enslaves it.

And until I get myself out of this big Church—called America—I do not know if it’s right for me to make films here. I feel like a Whore being here.

I do not believe that the Grass is always Greener on the other side.

What I do believe is that everyone has a purpose in life—and sometimes we fight with our environment because our purpose is not met there.

The truth is that my Sacrifice is ultimately FOR America, to save America—to help it reflect upon itself eventually.

So as Anti-American as I sound—what I’m trying to do is to leave it order to give something back to it; to reflect a light back onto it…this cannot be done when you’re inside of it.

Everyone is operating in the dark. It is like living in Plato’s cave.

Nine out of every Ten filmmaker in America is brainwashed to believe in Idolization of certain filmmakers who made it to the top of the shit pile.

And just because they are standing on the shit-pile—all these young filmmakers see them as Gods. What they don’t see is that they are part of the shit.

Celebritism (sic.) is not Acting.

Box Office Hits (blockbusters) are not films.

Filmmakers who are Famous—are not Auteurs (Artists).

True Art and Artists are Pure—they help defy Capitalism and any Creative boundaries or limitation.

If Capitalism works towards purity (regardless of how “offensive” or anarchist) art can be—then it is Useful. But when it monitors, censors and does not want to change itself—it is a hell; a cyclical prison. It could never serve Art—for what it really is capable of and what it really means (what it has to offer).

At AFI—even their school’s brochures denounce the Auteur theory.

They use it when it’s convenient: when they want you to worship David Lynch as Jesus—so that you would pay 80K to 100K a year to become “just like him.”

Yet in other sections of their selling kit, they will tell you that there is no such thing as “Auteur” because that attitude doesn’t help you collaborate or work in a team; in an Industry where all the nuts and bolts must fit together to successfully award you an Academy.

They tell you that all artists must “lose themselves” (or drop individuality) if they want to be one of them.

They call it “Teamwork” when they want you to agree to Factory-Slavery (the Film Industry with no filmmakers but just slaves operating one cable, one light, one crank, and one storyboard). Once the money pours in, Hollywood will honor “Auteur” when a Filmmaker becomes a Jesus-Bank.

All the film students buy it—and when they reach that Glorified Pimp stage—they consider themselves “Auteurs” and God based entirely on Mass Appeal and Fame.

Their Talent is molded by teams and teams of specialists that make their shitty ideas “Glossy.” And because the lights are so dazzling, filmmakers confuse it with “Talent” or Art.” That’s what keeps the Factory in business; it works.

But they are just Evangelists in the Church: they hold awards on TV to keep Hollywood in business. It is not an “event.” It is an Ad. Very clever.

The porn industry does the same thing with the AVN awards: they are events that help sell more of the same porn to the same distributor; only it does not end up on TV. That’s what Awards are for: they help THE SAME people stay in business. They are business meetings that are turned into Carnivals.

In droves and droves young people flock to the industry for glory and fame. In droves and droves society (called “consumers”; people who “eat” excessively) unconsciously flock to the Gods of laurel-graced films endorsed by Cannes, Sundance or some other Religious affiliate.

The Hollywood industry rewards you based on “Good Behavior.” You serve it well and it will be fed (richer)…then it can produce more generations like that.

Like any other industry—it will always devour the Truth so that it (commercial addiction) doesn’t die; that is why Disney (which owns Miramax, as early as the ’90s) got a hold of Independent films as a cloak to dominate Truth—to eat up the Art market it and make it its own.

Disney, pretending to serve “Family Values”—while its Shadow-Side makes “Provocative” and “Daring” work under the guise of the Indie label—what a Joke.

It’s still Disney.

G-rated films are the most perverse and offensive phenomenon in the whole history of cinema: they keep adults and children alike trapped in some sick illusion of a Safe, Carnival image of life. You stay on that ride until you vomit on yourself. You never grow up.

The same thing is happening right now with the Organic food industry, and also with Oil (environmentally polluting) companies “going Green.” They don’t change anything: they just slap on a new label to make you accept them for being irresponsible.

No one is organic, no one is Green. No one is free from the Truth. Capitalism is a Goliath that must be monitored by its people: because it will eat you up alive.

We are TOLD what is good, what value is…we don’t need to look, think or work for value…we pay to consume it and to be told what God is. If you let Hollywood or any Industry feed you values: they give you only addiction, lies, numbness, and bondage.

If you live under an Umbrella of Religion: how can you see yourself?

Who are your friends?

Everyone is a worshipper…even Independent Filmmakers think they are really “Indie” when really they are just slaves and sheep of industry. All their values match those of the Hollywood industry.

It is a con game. It is Indie-wood. Certified-Organically Fake and Polyester-Green.

In this milieu, no artist can really create anything original unless they fall into deep states of depression, isolation and face alienation. They need to get themselves in the right environment, in order to prosper and to grow.

So this hopefully has made my case for why I want to head East—not because it is Greener on the Other side—but simply because it IS the Other Side.

Obviously, I am not going Green.