20080703

Thursday

SHAKTIPAT

It’s certainly typical that I’m still awake at 4:30 in the morning.

My favorite place to be awake at this time is of course: in New York City.

I used to have a fetish for Garbage Men—the really hot young ones that are out hauling trash, flexing their muscular arms and bending over at 3 or 4 in the morning.

I used to go clubbing at 2 in the morning and not get home until 8 a.m. It got to the point where my waking reality only consisted of seeing Garbage Men, Bakers and News delivery trucks.

I’m over it now obviously. But it was a hot fantasy while it lasted….

I had an interesting day today. I’m slowly overcoming my phobia of Dentists. I’ve been very fortunate to go through this healing process—here in Colorado. I don’t believe I would have been able to begin this healing process—had I stayed in New York.

There are two things going on with my Dentist situation. I was very lucky to come across a high quality dental facility for low-income people.

Since I have not worked in a year, my parents (who don’t make much money and are old) took me to this place that charges close to nothing for real dental work.

At first I was afraid of going there—because I already don’t like Dentists and the last thing I wanted was Butcher (Botch) work done.

But it turned out to be nothing like that at all. The opposite could not be truer.

Because these dentists feel they are contributing to society—they are actually more compassionate and lend their expertise to the field with greater commitment; less marketing and greed.

I was telling my sister the other day that if you live in Denver long enough—chances are, you’ll end up dating or marrying a Mexican.

I know that’s off the topic—but you know, these young Mexican mothers who go to this dental facility are really hot…I mean, gorgeous.

Anyway:

My new Dentist Dr. Alan is what I call a “Designer Dentist.” I can’t fucking afford him unless I spend my savings to pay for whatever lifestyle he has. He’s really good though—in fact, I like to think of him as the closet thing to God.

I’m exaggerating of course.

I’ve been pretty stressed out about who to go to for my presumably chronic bone loss condition.

The cost between seeing him and the low-income place for example, for a filling is the difference of about 250 dollars. So as you can see, I’m literally paying 30 dollars to get professional fillings done at this other place.

But Dr. Alan is a naturopath—and I totally would prefer to go with him.

An interesting thing happened today:

I went to get a deep scale cleaning at the low-income place and my Hygienist is so damn sweet to me.

She knows I have a phobia and takes absolute care of all my needs: including letting me play my own music on the radio so that I can relax. Additionally, she books an extra half an hour leeway time for me: 90 minutes instead of 60 so that we can do everything without rushing.

I got to know her better and while she’s cleaning my teeth—she tells me the most amazing and funny stories. She’s also very smart.

I had never had fun going to the dentist before—but getting my teeth cleaned by her is becoming less and less traumatic for me.

We talked about all kinds of things—especially surrounding childhood dental traumas. She had so many stories to tell…and I told her she should write a book: it would be a Bestseller.

She was like, “Who would buy it? You and me? Who’d want to read about childhood dental traumas.”

I was like, “Uh…Everybody?”

Anyway—I think I could write an amazing book on the psychology of dentistry: but that’s not something I want to put on my plate right now.

After we were finished, I went into a conference-like room to speak to her.

I told her about how seeing Dr. Alan compared to her was like a difference of thousands and thousands of dollars. I told her that he’s charging me at least 2 grand to get a large cavity filled—and that didn’t include any root canal or unexpected stuff (such as crowns or implants). So what can end up being four grand is only going to cost me about four or five hundred bucks here…

She advised me on exactly what to do and told me to find out the exact materials and procedures they are using at the other place.

She would also explain to me how things are done to see if what he does is really that much different or better.

After talking to her about it, my head felt much more clear. I realized that some of what Dr. Alan does is very conventional—and other stuff he does is very specialized (the holistic stuff). So I decided that I’m going to shave off at least a few grand by just seeing him for the natural healing techniques he has—which was why I came to him in the first place; to help the body restore stuff on its own.

The reason all this is so interesting is that I feel very much guided by Shakti or Grace. Lately it seems that whatever I’m worried or confused about—just gets settled on its own—with every little effort.

The other fascinating thing is that I made my own Lisa Gerrard CD mix and get to listen to her music while I get dental work done. That alone is a bizarre miracle—because I really don’t know how many people own earth get that luxury.

The receptionist liked it so much that she asked for a copy—so I burned her one. Then my Hygienist today loved the music and asked for one too. She was very impressed by how relaxing it made her feel and she wanted it to play for other clients (like me) who are nervous getting their teeth done.

My history with this CD I mixed has been so bizarre—because it’s taken me on all kinds of strange journeys…like people keep asking me for copies of it and then it gets re-incorporated into my life. I get to pipe it into Steam rooms while I relax, and also play it while I get massages…and it has nothing to do with me carrying the music around—but that I give them to people—and it gets piped back to me.

These are the beautiful and miraculous moments of life I’m talking about when I mention Grace or being inside Reality.

In any case, I’m very grateful and happy that I not only found one but two amazing dentists.

I’ve been getting these “Two for One” deals in life lately. I found one healer—and end up with two (who share the same office; and one is the teacher of the other)…. I found one dentist and ended up with two. These are miraculous states.

Today I had one of the worst massages in the world.

Against my own intuition, I decided to get a TUI NA massage in downtown Denver.

They don’t make them (masseuses) here the way they do in New York—let’s just put it this way.

Oh my god, the Chinese Masseuse had absolutely NO body intuition. She was just rough and messy all around.

I put up with her because I can’t judge someone if they’re not coordinated. I let her do all this shit to me because I decided that it was my fault (or choice rather) to meet her. So I figure maybe this was destiny—and decided that maybe I’m meant to heal HER instead.

She was so rough with me that she broke my bracelet while massaging my wrist. Again, against my own intuition—when I was getting ready, I decided not to take it off because I wanted to trust her.

Most people would get very upset over this—but I decided again—it was my fault, my choice to do this.

While she was massaging me, I decided to send my energy out to her to heal her; to balance her out—to take away some of that “Yang” or excessive imbalanced energy she has.

I could tell that she had a fucked up life—or a fucked up past—or both. There was something Miserable inside her that made her rough—or the way she was. I imagined that someone like her could really hurt you—even accidentally or subconsciously if you energetically affect her the wrong way.

So I tried to only send out relaxing calm vibes.

Well, a really weird thing happened.

She asked me to turn over on my back in order o place a pillow under my head.

When I turned over—I don’t know if I involuntarily transmitted Shaktipat to her but she seemed to experience a moment of “Divination.”

She looked at my face and bursted out in a state of pure joy, mesmerized by something in my eyes—or God knows what.

She didn’t speak any English except for a few basic words and blurted out, “Oh—so Beautiful!” (she was referring to my face).

That was ultra bizarre—but being how Shakti is moving in me these days; it surprised me—yet it did not. I can’t explain it.

I’ve been going through these strange Numb but Sensitive or Dark yet Light experiences: where Duality just seems to cancel each other out.

After she was finished massaging me, she woke me up and told me she was finished.

She held both my arms and gazed into my eyes again…mesmerized and glowing for a good five seconds.

I know this probably sounds like some kind of romantic sexual thing—but trust me: IT’S NOT.

Firstly, she was not attractive at all…and secondly, there was nothing Sexual about the way she looked at me.

All I know is that Shaktipat comes out of me when God wants it to; when the Soul feels it needs to heal people—or awaken something in them. I am just a channel for it—it seems.

I have been counting my Shaktipat experiences and remember every single one of them. They are gazes that “haunt” me in the sense that they stick to me forever. So imagine what it does to the other person.

Shaktipat transmission come very rarely and are directed only to a select few.

Throughout my life, I did not have the terminology or understanding for what this was. But now I am convinced that there is a power inside me that comes through against my will.

I can’t choose who to give Grace to…I cannot even choose it for myself.

All I know is that people who need healing—get it…but not by being nice to me or anything like that. It’s just something my Soul or Shakti decides.

God loves Necessity, Sincerity and Purity (an Innocence in the person: even if buried, repressed or unconscious). So behavior or attitude alone does not fool the Shakti energy. It knows exactly who needs what—and at what Time someone needs it.

Looking back on my life—I remember so many Shaktipat moments. They were often very weird and unexpected moments when someone would be imbued and intoxicated (visible through their eyes) by their contact with Shakti.

Often, if they are Men, they mistaken it for “love” or falling in Love with me. But it’s not that at all: it’s not Sexual or personal—nor is it me that they see. It’s literally God.

I’ve come to a place of sensing a real difference between Infatuation, Lust or Sexual connection to something completely separate from the transmission of Shakti.

In any case, they say that once you receive Shaktipat—your life will change forever; consciously or not.

I suspect that that woman (the masseuse) will probably end up on a healing path—for better or worst.

I say “or worst” because healing is a dirty ugly process…Shakti forces you usually to face the Darkness of your Divine Self.

Before you reach (or remain steady) in that Divine place—you have to go through a spiritual process of purification; which will more often than not require a complete tour of the toiletry of the Unconscious (the story of Ebenezer Scrooge is a good or practical metaphor and example of that).

Of course, I can’t assume that this is exactly what will happen to her; but it is obvious to me that the Shakti power was so strong—she didn’t even realize how odd her reaction was when she looked at me.

When I went to the front desk to pay her—she was her strange cold and rough self again. Her Exterior Ego Mask automatically switched back on. It’s natural, because we use it to survive in life.

The goal is to not wear so many masks: but rather to reflect one identity—which is the Self. When people say things like “don’t forget who you are”—they are referring to the Self: not necessarily to your race, nationality, gender, conditioned beliefs or where you came from.

She had no idea how soft, open and pure she became in those two brief moments when intoxicated by what was essentially:

My Self reflecting back to her, her own Divinity.