20080629

Sunday

TRANSMIGRATION

(excerpts)

I’m moving a lot of dark energies this week. Last night was especially “bad.”

My life is in strenuous friction between two realties: Part earthly grime, and part miracle.

The intensity of my past (and karma being purified in me) is becoming overbearing. I am trying to contain it—but it’s very powerful and very dark.

It is difficult to concisely write about my process because there are layers upon layers of stories that add up to this moment; lots of mental flashbacks, in or filmmaking terms—a lot of “back story.”

This year, on the day of my birthday, I learned from my oldest sister, Phuong, that my birth was undesired; that when my mother had me, it was an “accident.”

The anger my Mother felt during pregnancy severely affected me on unconscious levels.

I always intuitively knew this to be the case—but it wasn’t until this year on the 21st of June, that this was confirmed in passing.

Five days later, I meet with my new Dentist to learn that I have a chronic condition with my teeth and may not be able to hold onto them for long.

My relationship to my teeth and my battle with healing them is connected to so deeper symbolic; one of which is Shamanism (my self-denial of being a healer; ancestral suffering, karma) combined with my spiritual battle with accepting my life on earth.

All these issues tie are interwoven: like braids.

On the same day that I met with my Dentist, my sister, Thuy (who is a year older than me) visits Denver.

I’ve not been close to her since childhood. During our adolescence, we’ve grown apart and became estranged. At this point in my life, I believe we are both more mature—and so this bonding experience is also very painful; not so much on a conscious level—but on a deeply repressed levels.

These three very major topics are closing in (merging) in my life at once.

The only reason I’m not suffering from Depression is because I know I’m on a spiritual path and am aware that this is all part of a purification process—a burning away of excess energy.

It is difficult for me nevertheless to process all these emotions—especially the one relating to my birth and the news about my teeth.

I feel like an internal Hell is burning within me.

Even physically, this morning, when I folded forward for a stretch—a fire and burning sensation was ripping up the center of my spine.

It’s the Kundalini Shakti at work.

I no longer have to meet as frequently with my healers, Judith or Carol to move energy; it’s now working on its own.

The truth is that Life is a series of Transitions between heaven and hell.

[…]

Yesterday, my sister and Thuy went for a drive to the Mountains of Colorado.

She wanted to go on a day-trip, to a Yoga Retreat.

I approached the concept skeptically—because I do not like commercialized Yoga or sensationalized healing arts.

In the past, when I was more materially driven—that would have been fine.

So we went to an Ashram.

The drive was most ironic:

I did not realize this but a major street from my mother’s house links directly up to the retreat if you drive West far enough.

It is so bizarre.

As you drive further, all the lanes drop off and all of a sudden you’re in a rural area with train tracks, open pastures and eventually—winding paths uphill into the mountains.

It was an hour-long drive.

To make a long story short: the moment we entered the yoga studio—I saw a portrait of one of my Gurus looking at me—from far across the room.

I thought to myself, “This must be a pure coincidence. Maybe they are more popular than I thought.”

Sidebar: I need to clarify what I mean by “guru:” I did not choose my gurus—they chose me—or the teachings keep following me. They also appear in my life as spirit guides.

So it is not from a place of Worship that I follow their teachings—but rather—from a feeling as though their wisdom is being “transmitted.”

I approached the photo and looked at it almost in a state of shock.

I didn’t expect to find this.

I noticed that the eyes in the photo could see you in all directions. No matter what angle you stand at—the photo looks at you.

Thuy, noticed this and said, “It’s like the Mona Lisa.”

It’s the power and presence of Grace—that makes a photo to do that.

I figured okay, get over it…that’s cool.

Afterwards we went into the Dining Hall for lunch.

Holy shit, there was a very large portrait of my Guru’s master looking down on the entire dining hall…watching all of us eat.

That was also VERY weird.

The food was amazing by the way; very fresh and carefully prepared.

While Thuy and I were getting our Tea, a woman working there asked, “Are you two sisters?”

For whatever reason, that question struck me in a very strange way.

I had forgotten that we were sisters.

My siblings and I were very close in childhood. It was a very unique bond only experienced with siblings: no friendships, relationships to parents or anyone else emulates that bond. It is a sibling-type of bond; very pure relationship which I’ve forgotten and never experienced again.

It was strange that she asked that because no one else at the Ashram seemed to guess it. In addition to that—she seemed strangely happy to find out that we were sisters.

We went into another room to hang out and waited for our massage appointment. In that room was a woman who was an artist. She spent all day painting very technical artwork of Tibetan and Hindu deities.

Behind her again, was a larger than life size portrait of my guru’s Master. It was an extremely beautiful painting.

We started to chat and it turns out that the Painter was the Sister of the Woman before (who asked if Thuy and I were sisters). They both live and work (or serve) at the Ashram.

It was then that I realized why that that woman was happy to find out we were sisters because her sister also worked at the Ashram. In essence, she understood the meaning of that sisterly bond.

It was an external synchronicity that was healing my issues outwardly.

When the Painter’s sister entered the room—everything seemed to “snap” together subconsciously for me.

I couldn’t really process any of this fast enough. It was all very subtle and strange.

Room after room, I saw my guru’s portrait and the spiritual lineage of masters.

I asked the Painter, “Is your Ashram only devoted to one Guru or faith? I noticed that same portraits all over the place.”

She said to me, “Not in the sense that they are Gods—but rather we have a direct connection to them because this Ashram was founded by a Teacher who was taught directly by these gurus.”

And then I asked, “Are these gurus very popular? The images keep following me throughout life. I’m wondering it’s unique to me that I keep seeing them—or if they are just everywhere.”

She said, “NOOOOO, they are not in every Ashram if that’s what you mean. If they are following you—then that’s a good sign.”

I thought so…but I needed a reality-check.

Despite the powerful signs and outward manifestations happening in my life: I continue to remain in the dark.

Last night was particular hard for me; I felt energetically drained and engulfed by darkness. I couldn’t see meaning in anything—not even of the synchronicities that happened at the Ashram.

Everything felt utterly meaningless, cold and absent of purpose. I lied down around 7 p.m. and did not wake up until the next day.

The cracks of light through the blinds unnerved me. Light in general seemed incredibly violent and evasive.

When my Kundalini energy rises—my aversion to light increases.

I become a bit “vampirish” (sic) about it and cannot tolerate Light of any kind.

Even the crack of light under the door drives me into a state of Lunacy.

I woke up to go the bathroom in the dark. The wind was blowing the blinds through the opened window. The fragments of light caused any image and object it reflected to “float” in waves…as though they were made of water.

I began to hallucinate and saw Shadows taking on their own life—which annoyed me incredibly. I saw the shape of a baby—a Fetus, his large head in profile and little hands held up in prayer.

I hated seeing these images and wished that these Dark energies would leave me alone.

My feelings of annoyance dominated any feelings of Fear. It was probably the only time in my life where my Anger conquered Fear.

In that moment, I would not care if I took a trip through Hell, smelled or waded through the sewage of the rotting Dead.

I felt numb to the concept of Death and Decay…I didn’t care one way or another if the Dead appeared before me.

I felt as though I had loss a total Focus and vision of Life—with regards to its Possibilities, its Newness and its Miracles. My apathy was so deep. I felt exhausted by stress and frustrations surfacing all at once.

I felt as though the World is overall Selfish and Entirely cold…that people really do not give a damn about one another—that everything they do—they do entirely for themselves.

I felt as though I give too much to the world—without any gratification of knowing its effect (if any); of not knowing if I am serving a true purpose. I wondered if my feelings are based on the Ego’s craving for worth or a reward—or if I was tapping into the Isolation I felt in the world.

I remembered how in my life—my love for one person was never enough because my ability to Give goes beyond the individual; that no human being can contain or hold.

And that was why I would rather give through Art, to give to the World—because my necessity to give is That Big and could never be satisfied with one lover, one spouse, by having children or creating a family.

The only things in life that can contain my love are animals—pets—because they love unconditionally; they can contain pure love and know how to reciprocate with equal if not greater and selfless intensity.

In this darkness, I felt annoyed that the body only has a limited resource of Energy.

I hated myself for not being endlessly energetic—that I tend to burnout easily after extended periods of focusing on an inspiring project.

This lack of consistency bothered me—and made me feel Inadequate, Inferior and Limited as a Human Being. I wished that I could overcome this—to always have a consistent flow of power.

I succumbed to the idea that this was humanly impossible.

[…]

The only thing that doesn’t burn me out is Filmmaking—and when I am not making films, I suffer tremendously.

Everything in life seems like a painful distraction, a rudimentary discipline and obligation of living in a Prison called Life.

Integration into the earth plane is so hard for me; and I suppose that is the case for most Artists.

When my sister and I met that Painter at the Ashram, we asked her if there are only certain Gods that she paints.

The Painter said that sometimes she is asked to paint Gods that “have been forgotten.”

She said that some Saints or Gods stop doing their work in life because they don’t feel appreciated or that what they do is helping. So they retreat, stop doing their work and become forgotten.

She said that when she is asked to paint the forgotten gods—their phenomenon, purpose and meaning returns—and people start to commission or ask her to paint more. They work starts to relocate or expand. Then their meaning goes through a “reemergence” –and they become useful and remembered again.

I suppose that Artists go through a similar process—of often feeling like what they have to do or give is a Wasting of tremendous energy; just because the climate, environment or space and time does not invite it.

The most profound Artists often left the world misunderstood–despite claim to fame or fulfillment of their life purpose.

I once met an NYC film teacher who met Robert Bresson (my favorite filmmaker) and at that time Bresson was approaching his 90s. Even though Bresson’s work is widely known and appreciated–he still felt misunderstood as an artist. So this type of loneliness is very common among people who push the envelope…its like the world never seems to invite or catch up to them.

Even if Bresson’s interviews that I’ve seen on Youtube: they often did not involve thoughtful discussions were more like “Interrogations” of why he makes films the way he does.

Perhaps my period of darkness is like this kind of retreat—where you don’t want to be in the world, on earth—or feel that the battles are worth facing: that people really don’t want you, don’t need you, don’t understand you and really don’t care.

So perhaps it ISN’T praise or reward that I seek from my Ego after all.

It is just a total Dissatisfaction: of feeling of unworthiness that haunts me—when I feel that I am not growing, expanding or truly reaching.

This feeling of frustration is very typical for Wood types (a typology in TCM; Traditional Chinese Medicine).

Some people Accept their karma in life with more gracefully than others.

For me, I never wanted to return to this world.

Some babies are born tremendously happy for the opportunity to experience life—and others never asked to be born—or choose not to.

[…]

I’ve struggled Existentially since the moment I was born. By the time was I was Seven years old, I already knew that so much of Life was bullshit and questioned the meaning of life.

The only real positive thing that came out if it is that the enormous Existential pain allowed me to experience Truth.

Understanding the law of karma is the only path to ending the cycle of existence the right way (by fulfilling the soul’s purpose in life)—rather than taking one’s one life.

[…]

It takes a lot of lessons and a lot of lifetimes to understand and transcend Suffering.

Life will continue to look like an exciting maze of opportunities and obstacles that rise and fall without purpose.

Many people enjoy this Chase—of highs and lows in life.

For them, the adrenaline of Losing and Winning is itself a high in life. In that regard, Life is a Carnival (to them), a Theatre through which Drama is enjoyed.

But eventually, the Soul will feel the weight of its Karma—and want to unload. That is when the Carnival reveals itself as a Prison of a limited reality.

[…]

Ji with the Ashram’s dog, “Pranam” (whose face looks like a little old man)