20080624

Tuesday

CLARIFY

Passion.

There are too many.

Too many things that I’d like to do, that I HAVE done, that I can’t commit to.

After I graduated from cooking school in 2007—I felt like a Whore screwing around with the cooking world.

I knew I was planning to move to Colorado (from NYC)—so I got all my high end food fixes out of the way by finishing up all my internships at the JAMES BEARD FOUNDATION. Additionally, I trailed at LE BERNARDIN just to see what was up there…

The horrors I’ve seen would never make anyone want to eat out again.

I also put in time at MERCER KITCHEN—which not at all impressive. My favorite cooking experience was at THE ASIATE at the Mandarin Oriental Hotel in NYC. That was such a funny experience.

I had gotten the gig through an petite female Asian chef that was the Executive Chef of the entire hotel. I met her at JBF.

Normally they don’t take interns (because of Unions etc)…but she was totally cool with me and got me in.

The first day I started my job, I went downstairs to pick up my uniform. It was such a luxury that they had their own dry cleaners In-House for the cooks…so everyday—you got freshly pressed chef’s uniform—without ever having to clean your own.

There’s like hundreds of employees there. I began to walk through the building and everyone was stopping military style to “salute” me: “Good Morning Chef!” “Good Morning Chef!” “Hi Chef!”

My ass was being kissed left and right for no reason other than because of mistaken identity.

LOL! It turns out that they thought I was the Executive Chef since there weren’t any other Asian chefs there except for a homegirl (she was into gangster thuggish black guys) that worked the night shift! She had the whole “lingo” going and everything.

Holy shit, that was so funny—walking in her shoes for a few days!

I met a lot of cool people, great chefs…and promised some of the visiting Chefs at the JBF that I once I began my path as a Nomad—I’d swing by in their state and work for them. That never happened…

My life did not follow according to plan; according to my Ego-based plans anyway.

In cooking school, I felt like a jerk because I was pretty damned good—yet when asked in front of class what I intended to do with my career…I said, “Filmmaking.”

It was such an insult to my teammates because it was like saying, “I’m good at this, but it’s beneath me.” I never forgave myself for that. I can be such an Asshole.

I had imagined myself going all over the world—working in kitchens…and telling everybody I was going to end up in Prague.

I loved cooking, I loved food and I loved the anxiety and discipline of working in high-end restaurants. I didn’t care too much for the snobbishness of it; but I definitely love that ass-kicking militant aspect of it; that constant scrutiny and striving for perfection.

But that all stopped when I left NY.

The reason is because my body was going through a spiritual path: life had other things in store for me.

When I first arrived in Colorado, I allowed myself a month to settle in. I ended up with a short-lived path as a Pastry Chef—which excited me because I have no experience with baking—and felt challenged by it.

I worked under Chef Carmen in Denver. When I first met him, I was impressed by how “powerful” he was…his attitude, his positive nature, his strength and clarity.

He told me he worked for Charlie Trotter (Chicago) for a least a decade or something like that. I have heard of the name; but there are so many famous Chefs, I can’t keep track—and I don’t really care.

I knew it was fine dining…and that was that.

My peers looked up to Carmen like he was some kind of God.

I don’t know why Americans like to Idol-Worship so much; it’s frighteningly weird and it makes me sick. I think it’s so stupid.

Although Carmen gave me everything I asked for: the part-time hours, the pay, the department I wanted to work in etc…it just didn’t cut it.

I quit.

Afterwards, a pastry chef friend of mine sent me over to another fine dining restaurant. I wasn’t in the mood to continue or develop my cooking experience—but still had a huge fetish for learning everything about the culinary arts; esp. pastry.

So I went and trailed there. The guy liked me but ended up hiring someone else because she went to the CORDON BLEU and had loads of pastry experience.

Two weeks later—that didn’t work out—so he called me to come on board.

I declined.

I changed my number and cut off all my ties to the cooking world. I stopped chasing after the Food Scene.

I was burnt out…exhausted…worn thin. All my Passions in life recoiled. I began to detoxify (spiritually and energetically)…I wanted to become Pure.

I decided that now was the time to serve my Kundalini Energy. I had a Rising (awakened kundalini energy) three years prior. I suppressed it and held back until I was ready to deal with it.

I’ve spend the entire past year Sleeping.

That’s what I’ve done: restoring my nerves. I felt debilitated by the so-called purpose of life: as determined by Society.

I had to unload everything I have ever been taught; and to rebel against conventional life in order to Know Myself.

Little did I know, I was burning away the Ego.

My choices were extreme. But they were right for me.

A terrible Omen happened to me five years ago.

While visiting Denver in 2003 or so, I met an extremely multi-talented guy named Krishon.

He annoyed me because he was Superb at everything. He had the magic touch.

I saw his paintings, I saw his artwork, I saw his culinary track record, I saw what he did as a fashion designer…everything he did: was amazing, above average, exceptional…

But he couldn’t stick to one thing. He got bored and would quit once he could prove to himself that he could take on a challenge.

What made me annoyed was people spend years perfecting a trade or craft—and he’d do it a bit and be better at them. Then quit…as if it was such a piece of cake.

That’s why I never forgave myself when in cooking school, I got to a certain place where I felt comfortable as a Chef—and announced to everybody, I planned to stick to Filmmaking.

How horrible the others must have felt who were less talented, struggling and more committed (or devoting their entire life to this field)! That’s why I feel like a Dick.

And that’s the same reason I was annoyed at Krishon.

Krishon is a free spirit. He picked up and started traveling to exotic places…going with the flow and doing whatever he wanted; regardless of whether or not he could afford to.

Finally, he returned to his hometown of Greenwich, CT. He ended up working a managerial position for some clothing company. Within a year, he was a Regional Buyer…and within months—he was hired to design clothes based on his own sketches and designs.

His talent is in Fashion…he didn’t even try to become a designer. Someone saw his sketches and offered thousands of dollars PER sketch so they can own and create a clothing line out of his designs.

Everything he touches works like that.

I could never figure him out.

I had met him through my friend Katai.

Today, we went to his old house and started to clean out all his goods: donating and selling his stuff.

He had a shit load of professional cookbooks—since yes, he also excelled at the culinary arts. He even helped one of his friends design a restaurant!

Katai said, “Ji, take whatever you want.”

She took some cookbooks, I took some cookbooks.

The funny thing is that I had unloaded all my shit in New York: tons of it—very nice stuff too, primarily to the Thrift Store—and here I am, collecting other people’s shit.

I figured that I would read the books and then get rid of them; as I am not attached to things.

Katai had a beautiful broad antique coffee table she didn’t want. So we threw it into the back seat of my car too.

I have a pretty large bedroom, so I set up the coffee table, and lined the 300 something-odd dollars worth of cookbooks on top of it. I decided that each day I’m going to sit at that table and go through all of the books; otherwise I’d never touch them.

I don’t like to read books. I only read Eastern philosophies; I inhale it like air—very easy for me to digest. I have no tolerance for anything that does not pertain to Reality (or resonate Truth).

I have read almost every book by the Jungian analyst, Marie-Louise von Franz (and her interpretations of dreams, fairytales and alchemy) by the time I was 23 years old. I was fascinated by her Mind and followed every corner of it. She has a very complex mind—and to follow it was magical.

Next in line are cookbooks. That’s the only other thing I enjoy reading. Other than that—I detest Fiction with a passion. They are Imaginations and Lies.

The more “creative” or well written they are: the more they reveal their Showmanship and lies.

I ended up getting the CIA (culinary institute of arts) BIBLE from Krishon’s collection. That book is like 80 dollars or something alone.

He had a bunch of Charlie Trotter books: cookbooks as well as business books written about or by him.

Then everything went Full Circle for me at that point.

I figured, Chef Carmen was a very inspiring chef and he worked with Trotter—so I guess I should read up on who this Trotter guy is.

The only reason I read Trotter’s business books is because I see a direct connection between Cooking and Filmmaking. They both pertain to Alchemy.

Filmmaking (grassroots) and Kitchens are also similar in terms the application of proper meaning and usage of “team work”; a term and concept usually abused and misunderstood in most corporate and institutional environments.

They relate in terms of Orchestration, Organization and Planning…the list goes on.

As I read about Trotter’s business vision; I interpreted and analyzed them as Film directing concepts instead.

I began to read the book at Katai’s house.

She opened the door to the guest bedroom to see me sitting there with torn pages of the book scattered all over the place.

She laughed and asked, “What’s the matter? Are you only keeping pages that you like?”

In fact: yes.

I hate business or “motivational” books with a passion. They are so stupid.

So what I did was I read Trotter’s book and ripped out all the pages I didn’t like—while keeping the pages with just One Sentence or Paragraph that might mean anything.

I gathered the wad of torn book pages and handed them to her and asked, “could you please recycle these?”

She’s really cool. Being unattached to things to, she didn’t freak out that I was tearing apart a perfectly good (condition) book.

I am not attached to books unless the content is pure Gold. I have a few books like that—and I treat them like Scripture. I read them over and over again; I meditate on them.

But everything else: are Lies.

I will not even begin to analyze the things I read in that book. It’s not worth my precious writing time. The stuff I like about him—I keep. Everything else is garbage…

All I can say is Trotter sounds like a crazy OCD freak.

For me, Success has no Ego, no Praise, no Evidence or Measurable outcome. It is reflected in one’s Happiness and sense of Inner Peace.

This may not be a Western concept of success. But it is certainly Indestructible, Untouchable and Timeless.

In no way am I making assumptions of his personal happiness or quality of Life. God bless he’s that multi-talented, visionary and driven.

Rather, I think the Western concept of “Success” is always focused on the External, Materialistic and Monetary aspects surrounding Position, Authority and Reputation; I believe that’s misleading and one of the pitfalls and causes of spiritual crisis within America.

However, a book that celebrates fanatical OCD behavior as part of a acceptable model for Excellence is misleading and fucked up. The guy is phobic about lint balls to the extent that his wait staff walks around with double-adhesive tape under their shoes for Christ’s Sake!

Going back to Film:

I have a vision of Filmmaking that I cannot explain in words. I can only implement them—if given the opportunity. No one will give me this opportunity: it is up to me to create it.

I see filmmaking like Trotter in terms of his view of Business. I see Collaboration as a Ballet. I do not see the Crew as being isolated “mechanical parts” of a larger whole: that if one nut breaks, it is replaceable or an entire machine becomes dysfunctional.

I see the Crew, People and Elements as Whole parts that contain the essence of finer (or smaller) units. No one is mechanical because they operate from a Cohesive standpoint. In business terms, this is described as “Cross-training” (where people are talented in more than just one thing).

In term of filmmaking—it would mean that there is no such thing as a “Union” (Trade/ Labor Unions); ironically, unions do not unify or produce unification in a film set—instead it systematically segregates and isolates.

Real film collaboration is more like musicians that make up a band; an intuitive process based on individual expression, contribution and human communication. It should be less like the Hollywood standard where each individual is a bolt that holds together machine: a Hierarchical and Linear, Results oriented system (as opposed to Improvisation, Collaborative, Experimental and Creative system).

The Film Industry’s “idea” of Collaboration is this: “I tell you what to do and you do it.” “No one has a say unless they have the authority to say so.” etc.

It’s an Ego-based criteria that makes no sense whatsoever. They say it makes sense because it’s backed by “Productivity” (with regards to finances, budgeting, and economizing); still that doesn’t make sense at all if a monkey like Tom Cruise makes 100 million or whatever to do absolutely nothing but to look pretty. I see nothing economical about that.

There is no passion or meaning in that type of filmmaking; it’s cold, calculating and is just Glorified and Glamorized factory work.

In this way, I do not believe in Industry Filmmaking.

I believe that the Film Industry (and how it uses people as mechanical parts) Ruins Filmmaking.

I see a new Film “industry” that run very differently, that breathes, acts, and handles itself as a very different Species. This Species has not yet been born; at least not in terms of becoming the Standard—for mainstream films.

With this said, I have no intention of being a Crusader. I don’t want to live my life fighting for a “cause.” I am an Artist—and my “cause” is different than “activism.”

It’s “In-tivism” that I’m after.

I don’t want to carry on further on this topic.

I’d like to talk about Passion.

I’ve often used Krishon as a gauge to measure my own scattered energy; to track my own unconscious behavior.

Krishon was an Omen in my life because the example of his work habits forced me to stop chasing my own tail.

When I last heard that his natural calling was not something he sought—but rather, Chased after him: I knew that I needed to also arrive at the same place (of clarification).

The reason Krishon kept trying new things and quitting is not because he’s a quitter but because he is like a cup that cannot be filled.

For me, I have avoided my natural calling because I was Protecting it. I didn’t want to put my talents in any industry.

I was willing to work with Food because I didn’t feel as “attached” to it as filmmaking—and that gave me the freedom and mobility to explore. I had nothing at stake.

Art is very private to me—in the sense that it is deeply Special. It is like a child that a mother fears of letting out in the world—for fear of pervading dangers. In truth, although dysfunctional, a mother does this instinctively out of Love.

I know that unlike all other art forms, Film is very hard to make: not in terms of Craft or creatively, rather, because of Budget (henceforth, distribution/ marketing and dependency of mass appeal; or what is morbidly defined as “consumption”). More challenging is that: the Industry does not promote, believe in, or finance Art films.

Film is a Business; a Corporation—like selling Coke commercials, that much is clear.

If every Artist could afford to make a film the way you can go to a store and buy paints as a painter, musical instruments as a musician, training equipment as an athlete, or slippers as a dancer—then yes, many filmmakers would all be making Art Films.

But that is not the case. So although it may be true that I was protecting my Art—I also lack the means to do what I really want to do.

The truth is that I’ve arrived at a place in my life where I don’t dwell on those issues much any longer. I may discuss them in my writing—but I feel rather detached from their implications. I no longer see it as an obstacle; and I don’t think the way the world works today can really affect me as deeply as I once thought.

This is because my values and focus are clearer now; and I’ve accepted them. They are what I’ve chosen to live with.

Like Trotter, each day I melt away the ideas of Imaginary borders—in order reveal my own Vision—of what Film is.

In doing so, I am not so much Inventing new modalities—but rather, Dissolving preconditioned ideas while Clarifying my own feelings about Life.

I have no interest in Adding on more layers to a complex society—but rather Stripping it to see what’s left…what’s really there and what should be there.

This desire is no different than people who prefer to “Go Green”—which is the new Politically Correct rage these days. Environmentalists do the same thing: they strip away the way old destructive habits of the world operate to see the natural order; to examine and promote what IS there and therefore Should be there.

On a personal level, this stripping and rebuilding process (of Transformation) is the spiritual and symbolic meaning of Alchemy. The “lead” aspect is the unconscious habit. The attainment of gold is “consciousness” is purity and perfection (or Truth).

I’ve decided to give myself the Hope—which others cannot give me: because I refuse to sit around to wait for it—to wait for some Idiot to make it happen; or for someone to try to Resemble it for me; it can never come as close as the Perfect image of what I see. I think many people feel that hunger for Truth; but they do not know how to give that to themselves. It is very easy in fact: just believe in what’s true.

Unless someone is a Realized Saint (or God incarnate), I don’t believe in Masters: of looking outwardly for “permission.”

I respect people for their capacities, what they have to offer, inspire and teach—and it goes as far as that.

Americans, I noticed, as a society is one that is crippled by fear of authority. People often feel that when media “hype” or history says that someone is a Master, Genius or “Great”—they are afraid to Question it, or rather Reflect it back on themselves.

Instead, they choose to accept being dictated to and enjoy being brainwashed. It’s almost like a Social Convenience; as if someone is doing the “Information Shopping” for them. Perhaps that all part of what is called a Consumer society; a society that likes to be Fed.

They don’t realize that the Breaking Down of Masters is what gives you Self-Knowledge. It’s like imagining what something tastes like without ever tasting it; and describing what it tastes like—based on what one is told (based on lack of Experience).

Each era, the Industry says someone is God—and all the film students and filmgoers follow that faith blindly. They never think to go beyond the hype to check in with themselves: to question how they really feel about that artist or their work.

That is why I say that Hollywood is one of the most exploited Religions next to Christianity. They have made it a religion to hold financial power over the masses.

They form schools like AFI to set the “standard” to regurgitate their own consumptions; that circles around and around from student to the red carpet. They tell film students “Come here and you’ll be the next God; the next ‘Scorsese’ etc”—and if you don’t, you have no faith therefore no Followers.

So everyone flocks there for “Success”—to be seen on the Red Carpet eventually. That Carpet is the trip to that Altar of giving your Soul over to an Institution—out of blind faith, desperation and lack of self-knowledge. There is no Redemption there—only Death.

People think that you’re “Challenging” predecessors by holding a true opinion; when the real person you’re challenging is Yourself—and that’s good. That’s healthy and should be supported.

Tonight, I decided to finish watching Kieslowski’s Trilogy (the Blue, White, Red).

I’ve been slow approaching it. His movies were recommended to me 10 years ago. I never watched his films before until lately.

About less than a year ago, I finally got a friend to burn me BLUE on DVD. I saw that. It was okay.

Last week, I finally got around to WHITE.

Tonight, I saw RED and saw straight through it. It was trying too hard.

In summary, BLUE was melodramatic, BLANC was immaculate, RED was cliche.

BLANC is the best; for the colorless (or Infinite shades) always holds the hardest challenge—and greatest mystery.

BLUE and RED annoyed me because they were obvious.

If I were to call a movie BLUE, I would never show the color blue. Rather, I would express it through an emotion or other tangible connection; but not visually. The reason is because the audience is already set-up with the expectation to see the color literally—based on the movie title alone. So there is no foreplay there.

If I were to call a movie RED, I might not ever show Red—but reveal it in the most minimal mysterious way. It could be the slightest—like blood shots from eyes that cried until they’ve gone blind…or expressed in a temperament of a thought or feeling; whether it be passion (anger, lust, greed) etc.

But in BLUE and RED—all the props, lights and sets were the color implying the name of the movie—and that annoyed me.

In BLANC (or WHITE)—you saw it once, when the supporting actor had an orgasm. It was cheesy—but it worked; although unnecessary. I liked that you never saw White—although the filmmaker said he attempted it by showing lots of Snow. That’s better than having people wear all white at least.

RED irritated me because I don’t like scripts where the filmmaker plays God: where scenes are not plausible—even if meant for Poetic License. Unless it’s an Experimental Film—where Abstraction and the non-plausible is expected; in Narrative, it’s inexcusable because Narrative is a slave to plausibility, continuity or “seeming real.”

But with regards to conventional narrative films, I do not find it plausible that some woman would walk into a complete stranger’s house and take a little tour just because his door is opened. I don’t believe that once the residence confessed to being a Freak—that she stands there like a Clod staring at him and probing more deeply into his life—rather than getting the fuck out of there.

Everything is set up to happen the way the filmmaker wants stories to fit nicely and conveniently together—and I don’t like that. I guess I call it Cheating.

Interesting that one of the cheesiest images in the film are the ones that are prized as being enormously powerful: the image of the broken glass on the table in the bowling alley scene (metaphorically demonstrating the break up of a relationship). That is so cheesy to me.

There are three shots I like in RED that moved me:

The first montage in the beginning with the speed dialing on the hands (on the phone) of the person you don’t see and ocean imagery.

The image at the end when the black shadow of some large mechanical part blocked the frame of the screen except for a slender vertical white line that you can see through.

And the nice little montage at the end—which I don’t remember in imagery—but rather in mood.

I hated the way the movie wrapped everything up in a neat bowtie at the end: with the images of all the characters from the entire Trilogy—reintroduced and summarized as survivors of a wrecked shipped. I thought that was so incredibly cheesy to the point of being funny (or comedic). I guess it was supposed to be “clever” but it actually made me angry. It violated my Intelligence.

Originally, I loved that there was no direct connection to the three films other than themes of Death and Destiny. But to literally put all the main characters in at the end of RED horrified me. I couldn’t understand the justification of it; the obviousness of it; why it had to be “framed” or as a big arrow appeared and said “Exit Here.”

I dislike NEAT trimmed endings of any kind. Very rarely do neat summaries satisfy me.

For that reason the ending in BLANC was magical. That film is the CENTER PIECE of the trilogy; it really is the Main Course. The ending was perfect. I don’t think anyone could have realized a better ending. The story itself was filled with anticipation of the most perverse kind; I loved it.

I found out tonight that Kieslowski’s background is in Documentary and that pleased me.

I feel that Docs are the only true experimental art, platform for Truth and remaining Pure survivor of Whore House: Film Industry.

I was also pleased to discover that because I love Documentaries; it’s a medium that’s always come naturally to me. I started making docs when I was 18 years. I was self-taught had a natural curiosity towards people.

It was inspiring to see that such great narrative filmmaker come from a documentary background. I can totally see why. Docs are amazing! I am more opened to watching docs before I’d watch any mainstream or Indiewood (sic) film.

Very rarely do I hear of good Narrative filmmakers coming from the documentary genre. Usually doc filmmakers cannot make that bridge—and some of them really shouldn’t try.

I am finding out all kinds of things today that were “always there”—which I have never been fully aware of: such as the Charlie Trotter connection and also finding out that Kieslowski was a documentary filmmaker.

Things are unfolding and aligning rather magically and neatly.

It is therefore an opportune time, and only appropriate for me—to end this entry by saying:

Reality is There—you just have to walk into it.

—

(Cooking Terminologies):

CLARIFY: To remove sediment from a cloudy liquid, thereby making it clear.

(Analogies):

ALCHEMY: Alchemy was known as the spagyric art after Greek words meaning to separate and to join together.

The gold of human nature, which has to be purified by fire from its dross, is manas (Ego), the self-conscious element, when purified from contamination with the dross of the lower principles and united with buddhi (Consciousness).