20080621

Saturday

(Originally I was not going to publish this. But I decided to because of its possible usefulness to others).

SOLAR

Today is my birthday.

It was sad the day I was born; the way I was born.

It is a sad day today as well.

This entry will not be blogged. It’s for me only.

Spiritually, I’ve come to understand a few things about birth:

1-You choose your birth. Not “you”—but your actions, your karma. In that regard, even if you don’t “ask” to be born—you did…because of karma—because of your actions.

2-When a mother is pregnant, the baby knows everything. Based on the mother’s attitude—she subconsciously or consciously ask for a certain Soul; a certain karma to enter her. Therefore the disposition, constitution or “state” of the mother (mental, emotional environmental etc) determines the soul that would take birth in her.

That being said.

In my past life, I committed suicide.

When I came into the world, I did not want to be born.

Throughout my life, I knew that I was an unwanted child. I suspected that my mother and father wanted a baby boy.

I also knew I was an accident—since my sister, Thuy, and I are only one year apart.

I felt unwanted throughout my whole life. It is a sinking feeling—doubled by the fact that I also was gifted with the ability to experience God and to know the Truth.

My existential pain was two-fold: the physical and the spiritual.

My Soul immediately wanted to go back to the source from which it came. I believe it to be a “holding area,” Surya Loka, a state similar to Samadhi…the plane where the Soul rests and takes a break before it goes back into the cycle of life.

It is not surprising to me that Surya Loka (in Sanskrit: the plane where the soul is purified) pertains to the Solar Region. I was born from the Sun and will return to the Sun. I was born on June 21st, the day of the Sun: the Solar Solstice…first day of summer.

I seemed to retain a memory of that state—even though Intuitively. And its this unconscious memory that gives me a deep sense of purpose—but also the impatience to give up on life.

In my teens, I was suicidal. I wanted to kill myself. Life, Existence, Meaning, Society…everything was unbearable.

Today, I spoke to my sister, Phuong on the phone.

We had a spontaneous conversation where she casually revealed to me that my mother has felt guilt all her life about her relationship with me.

She said, “Don’t you know?”

I asked, “Know ‘what’?'”

She was beating around the bush about it and then, I guess because the timing was right—she said that my mother told her that her guilt was based on the fact that my birth was an “accident.”

My mother didn’t want to have me when I was born. Apparently she feels guilty because she was so angry about being pregnant that later in my life—I became extremely angry, hateful and negative as a teen.

I tried not to cry on the phone and contained my emotions.

I always knew this to be the truth; my soul is very wise. But now it has been confirmed.

This explains why I also never celebrate my birthday. I’m a bit against it and have difficulty making a big deal out of it. For those who remember—fine…but the karmic pattern—the imprint is just so strong.

It was very difficult for me to process what my sister was telling me. It touched me in places that are so deep; that I can’t even define.

There are so many things I know in life that I do not need to be proven, told or expressed.

In this way, my ability to know the “Unseen” has helped me as an artist: because I can read people’s emotions and do a “psychological scan” of people without knowing who they are. As a filmmaker, this is a directorial advantage: to possess intuitive precision about characters and their inner state.

Sometimes my friends get pissed at me because I tend to decidedly not like a person the moment I meet them. It’s not because I judge them: but because I transparently can read them.

Many people feel that you have to get to know a person before you make decisions of whether to like or dislike them: but for me, it’s a great time-saver, to be spared the anxieties and dramas of stepping into the mine fields of certain personalities. So I see this sensitive aspect of me as protective and very useful asset.

In terms of filmmaking, it helps me as a director. What was my vice—has also been my virtue.

I believe that God always gives Gifts to those who need it most. If you are born into a difficult path—you always get a big present—an asset through which to help you out.

Some people are born poor—but are graced with natural beauty or intelligence. Some people are born smart—but have very low EQ (emotional intelligence). Sometimes someone is born very stupid—but get by in life purely based on good looks.

No matter what the condition is, there is always compensation: and it is the Path of the Soul to “figure” that out.

The sooner you figure out your Asset—the better off you’ll be. It is the only “game” or test that God plays.

God doesn’t ask for much…or for nothing at all. All God asks is that you “figure it out.”

When you figure it out—God is very pleased. And that is when you are living your path—and experience a feeling of liberation in it.

Being born unwanted is the worst pain in the world.

No matter how good your family is, no matter how many friends you have, no matter how much your mother and father loved you unconditionally regardless of whether or not they wanted you: the Imprint of the Soul in the womb—its knowledge of the undesirable Reception into the world—is the worst pain.

My gifts from this pain are enormous: it is part of my ability to experience compassion, to identify with the suffering of others and to translate it into some artistic medium. It is a built-in Sensitivity that is also a survival skill.

I was given Artistic capacities—in order to process this pain—but to also use it as an asset—to help and heal others.

I had my natal chart professional analyzed a few years ago. It was quite fascinating. To sum it up, I was told that I was meant (born) to articulate the meaning of Darkness…to help others transcend it.

There are things that I know about my past life that I do need psychics to tell me. My Soul knows everything: maybe not in detail or full memory—but Intuitively, I know exactly why I am born the way I am.

I also understand why this news about my birth appeared today: on my birthday.

When I woke up today, I lied in bed in deep meditation. I wanted to remember what happened the day I was born.

I experienced light flooding me. I re-experienced the time in Samadhi—that holding area where my Soul was being cleansed to return to life.

It was shortly after that the phone rang. And the conversation I had with Phuong led to that….

I knew that I asked for the Answer to my birth…and then it came.

Under any other circumstances, I do not know if my mother or sister would ever confess this piece of information to me.

But the evidence I have, although clearly and deeply destructive: is meant to happen. Why?

It is part of my spiritual evolution to understand these things. This knowledge is required also of the path I am on: I’ve devoted my Sadhana (spiritual practice) to “cleansing my karma”—to purify my Soul in this life, this time, on earth—rather than waiting for the time of my death.

As result of this, the “dirt” has to come up—because it needs to be processed Here and Now.

Because I am spiritually mature to handle this now—it has happened. But it also happened because I had literally asked for it.

It is ironic to me that people say “Happy Birthday.”

The day of my birthday is often the Saddest reminder and time in my life: of when I left a much nicer, peaceful place.

It is not that I am ungrateful for being born. I’m come to a place in my life where I am actually more grateful and experience Life much more deeply (and consciously) than most people.

It is a false optimism and sad truth when people give birth to children: it is often a very selfless or careless act. They fuck out of selfishness and they fuck out of carelessness.

I ask this very important question to people who want to have children: “Is it you that wants to have a child—or is it the child that wants to have a life?”

If you are a spiritually developed person: you ask the Spirit (of the incarnate) if it wants a life. If it doesn’t want a life: you do not force yourself to give birth. To do so is incredibly Selfish.

But most people are not in tune with the Subtle world—let alone themselves. For this reason, I say that the Happiness of Birth—is a bit of bullshit.

Happy for whom exactly?

How do I cleanse these emotions? By understanding one thing: I cannot remove my mother’s guilt. I cannot change what happened.

What I can change is this: my understanding and accepting what happened.

I forgive her because it was not her fault that I was born. My Soul was previously damaged from having committed suicide—and as result, it ended up “choosing” the family in which it would not be desired.

So it was my Choice to be born into my mother’s womb…not the way around. That’s why the birth was an accident or “unwanted.” Perhaps my mother would have wanted to have me—if my Soul did not resisted in her womb? That is a possibility too.

I do not need to tell my mother how I feel. In my heart, I’ve already told her that it’s not her fault…and it is this attitude and knowledge that heals both of us. I accept the responsibility for my birth—or rebirth rather.

I understand my path perfectly now. Everything makes perfect sense, not in a logical way—but in a profoundly spiritual way. I don’t need to look for answers outside of myself: because everything IS revealed within.

This is my opportunity in this life to accept Life, to accept who I am…not in terms of Identity: but in terms of the placement of my Soul and its sense of duty and responsibility.

I already know that I am Liberated in this lifetime: that when I die, the cycle of my karma ends with this one. It is this knowledge that keeps me in Motion; that gives me Strength.

That knowledge is God’s gift to me: the experience of Divine Wisdom; the movement of Shakti within me.

If I were to step back to Witness this whole scheme: it is not a bad tradeoff, I was born completely unwanted—but I was given Grace.

So many people spend their entire lives seeking Grace…that is why they drop everything and join a religion and search all over the world for “Lost” or “Perfect Love.”

There is a Spiritual Hole in the center of so many people—they have to struggle so hard to “earn it.” But the tradeoff is—they probably don’t have issues about being born; and are blessed in other ways.

It was given to me because of God’s Compassion. That is why I do not question the existence of God; it has always been real and implanted in me.

That is also why I naturally love Truth; and as result of that I also Suffer. No body wants to hear or know the Truth.

Life works completely opposite.

People enjoy the game of Earth—of living the Illusion, of keeping Walt Disney in business.

But I have become fearless as result of my love for the Truth. I know what it is therefore I do not have to Seek it. I do not have to be tortured by Intellectual pretense or theological nonsense. I do not have to study philosophy, scripture, bibles or seek the Answers of Life. I am free from the desire to “find Self, Meaning or God.”

As result of this, I am also Alone.

That is okay—because that Aloneness is the reason we keep returning to life: to get to know it; yes, to figure it out.

My Gifts are that I am given Immense clarity.

I was a bullshit detector in the womb of my mother. My Soul didn’t want to go back into the world because it didn’t like it the last time and the time before…

In this lifetime, I have to make films: because of my sense of Clarity about what Life really means…because of my ability to design and explain it in ways that others cannot.

I do not care about the “opportunities” to produce filmmaking as merchandise. I don’t look at filmmaking in terms of Industry, of Fame, of Position, of Roles, Opportunities, Status and all that.

I see Filmmaking on a very practical level. I can propose that I will build something. If you want to pay for it great. If you want to watch it great. If you don’t want it: it doesn’t matter…because I have to build it regardless. It’s my Job. It’s that simple.

What I don’t understand is the bullshit that comes with filmmaking; the “business” of it. It’s very dysfunctional, pretentious and convoluted.

One day, people will understand Art Films and will want to watch it and make more of it. They do not want it now because they do not know what it is.

People are trained to go by the last merchandise that sold well. When someone makes a great film—they tell all the film students and critics that they must learn about the masters.

Film is one of the most exploited Religions in the world next to Christianity. They constantly create Prophets and brainwash others to accept Greatness: where there is none.

They blind people. They won’t give them Truth—or personal will power.

But there are no masters.

Every filmmaker that has any core knows that there are no masters.

I admire Bresson, but it’s not because I worship his Cock.

I admire him because he was able to express something that’s in sync with my particular views on life: spiritual liberation and grace.

I respect myself too much to consider Bresson or anyone else Masters. Everyone is a Master their own right; the whole goal of life is to become better than the last master—that’s how we grow.

Everyone masters their own art, their own vision and their own destiny.

Every mother is a master of her own child. Every artist is a master of their own talents.

Every individual is a master of their own purpose in life.

So the world of the Arts: whether it is Music, Dance, Theatre, Fine Art or Film—are bullshit…because they all go by the last piece that sold well.

Truth doesn’t work that way.

The only reason something sold well the first place was because it told the Truth. Unless one is open to the idea that Truth always reinvents itself—there is no mobility, no change, dynamism or life to art.

That’s why the world is in spiritual crisis with regards to the Film medium. There is no great Art in it. It’s a lot of Cock Sucking and God worshipping.

It is a complete embarrassment to me when I hear phrases like “Join this Film school and become the next David Lynch” or “Martin Scorsese”.

That is like saying, “Go jump off a bridge.” They did it this way, now you do it that way too.

Who in their right mind would want to be Them or Anyone Else for that matter?

I don’t understand it. It’s sheepish, mindless, spineless, self-hating, masochistic and weird.

It is a world hooked on the past thing that sold well; or what people are brainwashed to believe are “masters” or “masterpieces.”

One day people will wake up to realize that Hollywood is nothing but a Religion. Then they will decide if they want to believe in it.

The film industry is guiltier of Sensationalism than Pornography—but worse because it pretends to be “clean.” Yet everything that Religion produces is filled with Unconscious Filth.

In fact, it is pornography: it’s goal is to give you the Money Shot; the cum on your face. That is what all G-rated films are: Feel good, senseless emotional masturbation. The worst part is it is intended for Kids—and even worse—parents with a sick fetish for films made for the attention span of 4-year-olds.

I don’t understand that concept. I don’t WANT to, and I never will. I don’t accept it.

But going back to the original topic, I see perfectly now that the Truth will always prevail; that’s why it must be Upheld.

My mother spends her whole life holding in guilt and this secret from me: little did she know that I always Knew it even if she didn’t tell me.

It was only much later in life that I asked for the Truth that it was given to me.

In terms of Art, it works like this: People will never see Reality for what it is—they will always be fooled by Illusion. The reason for this is because of Ego.

The Ego itself is the Karma generator. When it gets on a certain track, it clings on and won’t let go. It is like a train in that way. When an obstacle appears on the track, which is Truth intervening, the Ego Derails.

Derailment is something people avoid all their lives. But this doesn’t have to happen if they operate from the Knowledge of Self. The Self loves the Truth and doesn’t fear it…so whatever comes its way—is a revelation.

Revelation is that which purifies the Ego of its actions (karma) rather than derailing it.

Society functions largely on Ego. It is up to each person to make the decision to know themselves and contribute to a Selfish or Selfless society.

People are afraid of Truth because they see it as a Pandora’s Box.

The irony is this: the Pandora’s Box is wide opened in life. Every one lives in the tragedy, highs and lows of it. Nobody knows how to get out of it.

People can’t deal with Pain therefore perceive that Truth only adds salt to their wounds.

What they don’t understand is that Truth is a great Purifier.

In Art, Truth is a mirror that reflects every single detail back to Society to purify them—to set them free. It is often judged and misunderstood because of the individual’s fear of it.

Aside from this, most artists today are largely unconscious of their own drives to create. They have no idea how much garbage is in their Ego—and they perpetuate this through their work.

It is because they have no self-understanding or self-respect. They are caught up in the “master’s theory”—the idea that you don’t question the last best thing that sold or what society or industry decides is “masterful” or truth.

It is a misery producing condition that keeps everyone trapped.

When artists fail to be a mirror…when they want to go on prostituting the last bestseller or last best thing—they perform a great disservice to humanity; they will definitely be stuck in the Walt Disney cycle of reincarnation.

But then again, they don’t care: because fact of the matter is, most people enjoy Pain and the amusement park of life.

I just watched an interview of an actress named Julie Delpy, who starred in Kieslowski’s WHITE or BLANC.

Although she spent her whole life admiring great movies and Kieslowski’s body of work, when she was offered a part in BLUE, she declined.

Why? because she didn’t connect with the part.

She has a lot of dignity and self-attunement because she wasn’t weighing her decision on whether or not she was turning down a “great master” or if it would fuck up her “career.”

Well, she may have thought that—but she didn’t behave like a prostitute nor was she working off of arrogance by declining.

I believe that we need more of that attitude in the world; more people who are in sync and in touch with who they are: who make choices based on truth and integrity.

Subsequently, Kieslowski called her up to do BLANC anyway…so you know, she didn’t gain or lose anything. She was true to herself.

More people like her—form better functional societies. Less people like her—produce more misery and unnecessary confusion and drama.

What each person offers in the end to the table of life: is Truth. It’s who you are. It’s your purity. If you don’t have that—you don’t have anything.

It is for this reason that Hope is lacking in the world.

It is for this reason that Birthdays are not necessary a happy invitation into life—as selfish people tend to believe.

They call it Happy because it was happy for them to fuck and make babies—but it is burden and painful for Souls to return to sentient life.

Where I have been blessed in life is that despite my mother’s feelings during her pregnancy: I was born into a very good family…of parents who loved unconditionally.

That is more than I can ask for: because I’ve met so many people since who have parents that loved them through a “barter system.” They become selfish people who do not know how to Sacrifice; they always love and give with a need for a reward.

In my early years, especially in my teens—I blamed my parents for my birth. Today, I realize that that was entirely my own choice.

It is that knowledge that helps me begin to purify my karma even further. It also explains and helps me process the phobias that I’m currently and actively working on in my life.

All Phobias are karmic imprints. Habits and harden attitudes that Lock you into the prison of life. Most people don’t understand that Life is a prison until they experience phobias. They offer a spiritual learning curve: a road to self-knowledge.

Phobias are not necessarily learned or picked up from this lifetime.

They are not resolved by challenging the mind alone. They are complex and irrational because they come from another space and time; they are a deep groove in the track record of one’s karmic cycle.

They are triggered, manifest and find “opportunities” in life to reveal themselves: because they point to an avenue of Liberation, Purification and Resolve.

When you accept your Phobias, you are actually accepting your Karma.

That’s when you stop fighting…and that’s probably when the phobia dissolves itself. It is an act of love really—that directs it there.

People who don’t have phobias are very lucky people. They should attempt to keep it that way by being pure. It is not worth it to cause such pain to oneself an others in life—it’s not worth the price.

I have friends who don’t have any phobias…and they are really happy creatures. They flow in life with total ease.

If one wants that—it is attainable. But it may take more than one lifetime to achieve.

For me, it has to happen this time; that’s why I’m going through what I’m going through now.

Phobias are just “pointer” and Identifiers; they are not barriers. They remind me about the reality of Karma, about the Soul’s past life struggles…and how all those struggles can be ended in a given lifetime: if one is willing to do the work.

That’s all they are—painful reminders.