[This post contains Chinese text.
Without proper rendering support, you may see question marks, boxes, or other symbols instead of Chinese characters.]

20080523

Saturday

Morning.

春 SPRING

I can smell Time.

It is a smell more pleasant than anything I can explain. Its “aroma” arises as an Awakening of experience remembered in the Heart. Then it arises to the Mind…you close your eyes…and you can “smell” it.

I used to be able to smell Seasons. Before the Fall or Spring would come—the body would waken and remember it before it comes. It is more than Instinct…it is the Spirit of Nature living within each of us.

Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can smell Time, Places…even places I’ve never been to before. I believe that we are all vibrationally (sic.) connected—not only to one another—but to all forms of Energy and life forces.

Yesterday I slept until noon. I couldn’t get up because the Weather felt so Clean and Soothing.

That Dim glow feeling of a fading sky…I could smell Rain coming—and wished that Colorado weren’t so bright.

I miss those Gray New York days; overcast weather suits me.

My sensitivity to Noise has become nearly Intolerable. All around me—buzzing gardening tools…lawn mowers, weed whackers, trimmers…

The only way I could overcome it is to enter Samadhi. I do this through Sleeping Meditation. Everything transforming that happens to me: happens in Sleep. That’s when the doors to my Soul are opened—and the Ego cannot enter.

Most people do not know what Sleeping Meditation is, because when they close their eyes—they doze off into the unconscious. There are many misconceptions about Meditations and the body in general…too much for me to get into right now. Besides, I don’t like to waste my energy on applied theories.

I lied there inhaling the Weather; the quality of it…and the Place…the place was Denmark.

I have never been to Denmark…but as I lied there, I was in Denmark.

I felt exactly how it would feel to be there on a day like this. I felt comforted by the world—at peace, like a baby… and that was when I realized that this was the “Pure State”—the state I would enter into often as a Child.

My energy healing sessions with Judith has been going very well.

When she and her colleague Carol met me; I saw them on different occasions and they both said that they needed to get me back “into my body.”

I think that I mentioned that they are Shamans. I need to reiterate this in order to remind both myself (and the reader) that they are not just your run-of-the-mill commercial healer.

They told me most people don’t live in their bodies…because of modern life perhaps…their souls are not hanging out where it should be. That’s why people feel so separate, disconnected, anxious and so forth…they lost a touch and a sense of themselves.

This is demonstrated in most peoples’ desire to Escape. Our whole economy runs (financially works and depends) on this factor: profiting, sustaining and making money off our emotional and subconscious defects.

The Mother Principle (Divine Mother, Shakti) has been disseminated in our world; and expresses Herself in Nature: of human nature as well as the environment, world, social and universal (cosmic) issues.

My Escape issues are different however. I do not know if they could be called Escape Issues.

After the age of 4 or 5—when my family escaped from Laos—I’ve never been the same.

My Soul never wanted to be in this world since. So it is always “hanging” out—outside of me. It doesn’t like being in the body; it finds it very harsh, abrasive, foreign.

I realized this between the ages of 7 and 10. I didn’t have a name for it at the time.

Today I call the cause of it, “Industrial Life” and social Ignorance; the denial and obstruction of Truth (Truth is the only true Reality…it is also what makes us Human).

That was what killed me…that’s what made my Soul disturbed and disconnected.

I struggled most of my life to return to that “Pure State” that I remembered because I knew it was the foundation of my purpose in life; it held the meaning to what Existence meant.

This state was very close to or perhaps what is called being “within” the “kingdom” of Gods; it meant being very near to Divinity, to Nature…to Reality.

I knew that this State is something to be lost…and throughout my life—I felt the burdens and suffering of its fading and disappearance.

When that State departs—so does the Soul—or the distance feels like that.

The Fading aspect happens because of the Culture (if you can call it that) that we live in; America, Industrial Societies, Human conditionings…systems and systematic behavior—shopping malls, concrete, meaningless TV shows, ads ads and ads—pounding the Subconscious since early youth.

Those who are lucky have parents who take their children to travel…to go to places most Americans have never been.

I came from such a place (Laos, where many have never been): so the Spirit of the universe was already lying latent and dormant within me.

Those who are lucky are exposed to realities much different than that of Values taught to us by TV, Magazines, Churches, Institutions and Societies in general.

By this, I do not promote or am referring to “Home Schooling” (which I find to be fear-based or based on unsound premises). Kids need to socialize and not be overly protected—they get their sense of Safety from God, from a Trust in the Universe—not by overburdening parents.

I am referring to Culture; to the Values and Identity of one’s Culture—which is not based on Race necessarily—but on fundamental Human, hence Spiritual values that must act as Home-Base for children….even teens; so that when they become part of this fragmented systematic, prefab existence: they know Who they are, why they Exist…and they don’t lose their Roots: which is their connection to their Human Nature.

Most of us aren’t so lucky; and that is why Society looks the way it does. That is why we do not know Ourselves.

That’s why we torment ourselves with constant Speculation: about the Soul, about the World, about our sense of Self.

That’s why the Ego that dominants us has led us into Mazes and Society enjoys that game; it wants to keep us there…it convinces us that this is “reality” and “that’s how things are done.”

Some people call it Conformity. I call it Bondage and Ignorance.

Laos is in my blood. It was where I was born. The Lao people, the culture, the sounds, imagery, aromas…the Time: it is all within me. Although I am Vietnamese, I do not identity with the Vietnam culture—because I was not born there.

My family adapted to Laos and we learned to love that culture: it is very Human…very simple. The spirit of Laos runs deep for me…and without this connection; I am not sure what my “Values” in life would look like; I am afraid to find out. I don’t want to know.

I don’t want to be “American:” American the way most migrants have forgotten the meaning of who they are. The American that becomes the stupid white ignorant patriotic redneck that blindly consumes what is fed to them.

The ones that forsake their European ancestors’ values and became instead, something unknown to Humanity.

The ones that stop Searching, stopped Exploring, stopped Progressing…the Settlers who settled and Forgotten who they are.

The ones that turn around to tell everyone else to “Go back to where you came from.” I don’t want to be that.

And I am not that. That’s why Laos has to remain inside me. It is a Sacred experience—to hold onto the Jewel of who you are.

Raised in a “culture” that has no Culture produces the America we have today. It is difficult to Identify with Americans because they are disassembled and disembodied beings.

Thos who do remember who they are, are able to do so Inherently—mostly Unconsciously from Past Life experiences.

They have perhaps some Hindu, some Arab, some Asian, some African, some Egyptian, some European and perhaps even some Mars inside of them (their Souls)…and the Americans who Seek…who become Seekers, Journeymen (explorers)…they probably do so because their Souls remember their Seeds.

I have met so many Americans who do not feel nor identify with Americans. And this makes perfect sense. They shouldn’t and they are right: to look Beyond their Condition—and to delve deeply into their Mysteries.

Thus, yesterday, when I felt that I was in Denmark—I just let it happen…it felt right to my Soul to remember Denmark—even if “I” did not.

If that journey, experience or Reality brings me to the Pure State; that is really all that matters. That’s the only thing that makes Sense.

I saw Judith a few days ago to continue my spiritual healing.

I told her that I’ve been experiencing a strange sensation around my head-space…as if something is “holding’ it—as though it is contained by some energy.

It feels as if whenever I make an abrupt movement—my head hits a “soft wall” or pillow of something; an energy that secures and keeps me very calm.

She told me “That’s your Soul.”

“Its your aura,” she said, “and it’s not just around your head, its around your entire body. You always had it, you were just not aware of it. That feeling will evolve over time.”

Getting down to the nitty-gritty, I told her there are two issues I want to work with.

I’d like to continue cleansing my body of old karmas that has made me phobic and fearful of the Dentist (or projected onto dentists) and other things.

I also had a physiological question: which is that for over a year of two I had a blood shot in my left eye that never left.

I told her that I once walked by a Chinatown (NY) herb store and curiously came in and asked the doctor “What’s up with the Eye chart in the window?”

He told me everything in the Eye tells you about your organs and your health. So I paid him 10 dollars or whatever it was to examine my eye on the spot.

I even wrote a poem about it LOL!

He pointed out the bloodshot and said that there is Ureteral issue and I should have it checked. I was annoyed and left.

Since Judith specializes in a lot of Asian healing methods, I asked her about the Eye thing. She said all she knows is that depending on what side of the eye that blood shot is at—it could either be the Gallbladder or Bladder.

But let me first back up and say that when we speak of “Organs”—where speaking symbolically.

Gallbladder or Bladder doesn’t mean the physical organ only. They are often symbolic of a spiritual, emotional, psychological, energetic state; hence five “Elements.”

Little is spoken of with regards to diet, nutrition or the biological state.

To make a long story short, she got to work on my karma (energy) cleansing thing and my issues with the Eye.

She told me that my bloodshot correlates to the Bladder and that the Kidney and bladder work together. I forget the symbolic meaning of it. I told her, “I have to confess Judith, my concern over this entirely Vanity.”

She said, “That’s alright Ji.”

Vanity is Alright?

“No it’s not that.” She said, “It’s good that you question things that shouldn’t be there that were never there before.”

Energy Healing is a very slow subtle process. It depends on how well your body or mind accepts the energy.

I think one of the reasons it’s worked so well for me is because I am ready for it; or as Carol said, “You’re on a Spiritual path.” Whenever I enter the room, they could tell that a Higher Energy is present or at work…

She did some Shaman work on me to link us up to higher energy… and we decided that my body would tell her what to do.

Afterwards she told me that I made progress since our last visit; my body wasn’t so hell bent on clearing out the Liver and Gallbladder meridian as much.

The Liver issue is connected to Anger and Frustration. The Gallbladder is the “military strategist” that takes directions from the Liver (which is the “Seat of the Soul”).

They work together and the Gallbladder carries out the orders. When the two are in balance: one is able to make very clear decisive decisions in life.

She gave me photocopy print out from a Chinese Medicine book on body types (or Elements).

Apparently, we never discussed my Type, but Judith knew I was clearly a “Wood” type.

So I went home and read the description of the Wood type. Nothing about it surprised me.

In the article it said that Wood types tend to be night people: they get their energy at 11 pm-3 a.m. in the morning. They tend to be very competitive, aggressive and do not like obstacles: they are like a big tree that keeps digging and moving its roots and finding energy into the earth…and when those roots hit obstacles—the roots keep fighting through or around them anyway.

Wood types like to be in constant movement—they dislike obstruction…even when they are healing; they want to heal fast…they want to see results. They have difficulty meditating or sitting still; so they tend to like active forms of it—like yoga or tai chi.

Those are some of the imbalances of wood types. But what made complete sense to me was the Yin/Yang principle: the Restorative energy and the Active energy.

In my life in New York (17 years)—I burned out all my Yin.

In the article, it said that Excessive Wood types eventually burn out all their energy and find it hard to dig their roots any further; no matter what they do in life, they feel “stuck.”

It is this stuck feeling that makes the wood type sick.

The expression “worried sick” makes sense here…because an excess Wood type usually doesn’t know they are out of balance until they become sick or diseased.

And that’s what happened to me: I couldn’t move any more…so I had to let go of everything.

Today, I am much different than last year. I sleep and rest a lot now and am not as impatient or in a hurry.

In restoring my Yin energy (which I prefer to identify as “harnessing the Kundalini”)—I see things with much greater clarity and am not concerned with petty things as much.

I don’t even get concerned that much over big things.

My ambitions in life are no longer driven by obsessive feelings of deriving highs and excitement out of accomplishments—but rather, feeling at Peace with myself; being able to “live with” myself…releasing myself of unwanted and newly created Actions (karma)…being Pure.

If whatever I do now does not bring me Peace: I absolutely do not want it.

This is because I’ve learned from very painful previous lessons in life. I realized what is Worth and Not Worth it.

That is why my Sex Drive is highly under control. I am not plagued by senseless unconscious needs, desires, infatuations, obsessions or fantasies. I found contentment in other ways.

I used to feel that if you feel incredibly Horny—you are Creative and your Energy is in good shape.

I interpreted Creative energy with Sexual energy in the wrong way.

I had accepted the use of energy in the most conventional way (which is the way most people believe): that when you feel something “You have to release it—to let it out” (whether that be Anger, or Sexual Arousal etc…).

But you know for a “Wood” type—Stillness or Restorative use of energy: is the best use of excess energy. Like a Tree—it is only natural that I altered my life to Collect energy daily—rather than wasting it.

In the past, the Psychological or Freudian modality regarding Repression worked for that Time.

But we are moving pass that now…we must learn to Mange, Cultivate and Manifest energy creatively; and Repression is not so much the illness that plagues us now: rather Responsibility towards Conscious Living is key.

But you know, I learned from the messages and experiences of my own body that “releasing energy” is only as valuable as your awareness of WHAT you’re so-called Acting upon; are you Releasing, Affirming, Reacting, or Supporting? Is it a Negative Habit that propels you to remain trapped in an attitude that may or may not be helping you?

If you’re feeling sexually aroused and you release or act it out: you’re actually “Cementing” or binding (putting into bondage) what ever source of Frustration or Unconscious Energy it derived from.

Creative energy needs to be channeled and if you put it all entirely into masturbation and sex—you’re actually depleting your Life Force; also known as your restorative (healing energy): your Yin.

This is not a theory…it is true. That’s why when creative people channel their energy elsewhere—they become very Whole, very Happy, very Complete. They take that energy to heal themselves—either literally (physically and emotionally), or they take on an activity that expresses their Inner Potential.

So, without going to deeply into that; I don’t deny that Sexual energy has its place.

But that’s the thing: it has its place.

You can’t overanalyze it, but it does have it’s place: sometimes intense Sexual energy is actually an expression of excessive energy—such as Frustration and emotional blockages…at other times, you are just horny—and you should channel it physically; as long as that channeling is not locked into some twisted self-denying attitude—it’s probably helpful.

But its very interesting to see how much Energy you leak—when you excessively give into the Unconscious power of Sex.

These days, my attitude is this: I am actually happy when I’m not Horny. I know that everything is okay. I don’t have this reaction that, “Something must be wrong with me if I don’t feel aroused and hyped up sexually all the time.”

Instead, when I do get horny, I actually get worried: I ask myself, “Okay, where is that coming from?”

If I were to pay attention to it, I could see that often it happens after I am angry (or frustrated) at somebody or something or when I feel I can’t express myself. Very rarely does it come up for no reason.

When I was in my twenties—sexual energy was what drove me to do all kinds of creative things.

Naturally, when I couldn’t get laid—I focused it all into filmmaking or working with my hands.

I took up a wood working class while I was studying film.

I didn’t do it because I wanted to become a carpenter…but I was very much frustrated with my classmates and not feeling identified.

So to dispel that frustration, I worked with Wood to get my mind off the Importance of Film.

I liked going to classes with sawdust all over me…and the smell of the wood and all those buzzing sounds were still in my head. It balanced me out.

I love industrious people of all types.

I was walking by the metal shop and found a guy welding all kinds of crazy things.

I went in and chatted with him. I told him a funny story about how my Father used to collect pipes and weld all kinds of crazy shit out them; which embarrassed the hell out me as a teen.

As result, I never invited anyone over because I didn’t want my friends to laugh at me because my father designed an entire Picnic table out of pipes! Being self-conscious as a teen—I just couldn’t handle it.

So at that time, I was making an experimental film about my dysfunctional relationship to my Dad and I wanted to use the sound of Hollow Pipes—or air (or howling wind) traveling through the pipes as a ghostly sound depicting the vacuous relationship I had to him; emotionally.

This welding kid and I started to pick up all kinds of old steel scraps in the shop and he welded together this wonderful sculpture for me to use in the film.

Anyway, it was great meeting people outside of the film department and exploring other passions that people had.

It was a real nice “Breather” going to that Wood shop and being in that Industrious environment.

I actually wanted to write about something else this morning—which had NOTHING to do with the topics I examined today.

I actually wanted to write about an amazing experience I had with the Dentist yesterday; about how Shakti is looking after me—”Watching my Back…or my ass”—not sure which.

But I don’t have time because I’m supposed to go to a cookout at noon…and it’s noon now.

Oh well. Gotta boot.

BTW: when I woke up the next day, most of the blood shot in my eye cleared up. Isn’t that amazing? Two years of dietary changes couldn’t do it—but Grace did it overnight.

–

Further research: Spring time/ Wood Element
http://holisticonline.com/Acupuncture/acp_five_elements.htm

木 Wood

* The East（東）
* Spring（春）
* Azure Dragon（青龍）
* The Planet Jupiter （木星）
* The Colour Green（緑）
* Liver（肝） and gallbladder（胆）
* Generous, Warm, Persuasive, Co-operative, Seeks to Expand and Grow
* Idealistic, Ethical, Enthusiastic, Seeks to Explore